DEIilS^ON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List off Successful ana Popular Plays. Laree Cataloeue Fr 
Price 15c each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

^M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, .3 

acts, 2J4 hrs. (2Sc) 8 8 

Abbu San of Oid japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs ..(25c) 13 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1 J4 

hrs. ..,.(25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, .2 hrs. 

(25c) ,.,. .. 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

21^ hrs . ; r. . (2Sc) 6 10 

American Hustler, 4 acts, 2^^ 

hrs ....(SSc) 7 4 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2y2 hrs. r (25c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 14 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(2Sc) 8 4 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 h. (25c) 9 3 
Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. 

(2Sc) 17 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2 "4 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 5 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 254 h. (2Sc) 7 4 
Civil Ser\'ice, 3 acts, 2^/4 hrs. 

(25c) ,... 6 ? 

College Town, 3 acts, 2^4 

hrs .(25c) 9 8 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs. . 7 4 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 2'4 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2*4 hrs. 

<25c) 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(2Sc) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2''2 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2Va, hrs " (2Sc) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 

Enchanted Wood, 1.^ h.(3Sc).0ptnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, IJ^ h. (2Sc) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs ...(2Sc) 4 4 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

11^ hrs (25c) 9 14 

Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (250) 8 4 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs .(25c) 3 5 

High School F;-eshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

i Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, ZVz 

hrs (2Sc)13 4 

Indian Days, 1 hr (SOc) 5 2 



In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2^4 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs.. (25c) 5 4 
JayviUe Junction, Wz hrs. (25c) 14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (2Sc)10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2K hrs (25c) 6 12 

Laughing Cure, 2- acts, 1J4 brs. 

(25c) .4 S' 

Lexington, 4 acts, 2^ h. .(25c) 9 4 
Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2^ hrs.- 

CSc) ; 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr. (25c)13 
Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 

hrs. * (25c) 5 2 

Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl. 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 2:^ hrs (2Sc) 4 7 

New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr 3 6 

Old Maid's Club, I54 hrs, (25c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs ......(25c) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

1J4 hrs .;.(25c)12 9 

.On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

2^ hrs (25c) 10 4 

Out in the Streets, -3 acts, 1 hr'. 6 4 
Parlor Matches, 2 acts, i;S^ hrs. 

(25c) ....;.., 4 5 

Poor Married Man, 3 acits, 2 

hrs. ;(25c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, ZVi h.(25c) 7 4 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2^ 

hrs. ..■ (2Sc)10 12 

Savageland, 2 acts, 2^ hrs. (50c) 5 5 
School Ma'am, 4 acts, lj«t hrs. 6 5 
Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs. . 6 6 
Sawing for the Heathen, 40 min. 9 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 7 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 2>^ h. (2Sc) 6 5 
Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 2 

scenes, 35 min..., 7 3 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs : . (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 254 

hrs. (25c) 9 16 

Tonv, the Convict, 5 acts, 2% 

hrs (2Sc) 7 4 

Town Marshal, '4 acts, 2J.4 

hrs (2Sc) 6 3 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2H hrs. 

(2Sc) :... 6 18 

Trip to Storyland, 1 '/« hrs.(2Sc) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2 "4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, -2 

hrs <25c) 7 10 

Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
When the Circus Came to - 

Town, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs.(2Sc) 5 3 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154 W.Randolph St., Chicago 



Mrs. Tubes Does Her Bit 

A PATRIOTIC COMEDY-DRAMA 
In Three Acts 



BY 

WALTER BEN HARE 

AUTHOR OF 

'Aaron Boggs, Freshman," "Abbii San of Old Japan," "And Home 
Came Ted," "A Bird in the Hand," "Civil Service," "A College 
Town," "A Country Boy Scout," "Deacon Dubbs," "The Fas- 
cinators," "Kicked Out of College," "Laughing Water," "Mac- 
beth a la Mode," "Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown," "An Old 
Fashioned Mother," "Parlor Matches," "A Poor Married 
Man," "Rose a' My Heart," "A Rustic Romeo," "Sav- 
ageland," "Sewing for the Heathen," "A Southern 
Cinderella," and "The White Christmas and Other 
Merry Christmas Plays." 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

For Five Men, Five Women, Tivo Boys, Tzvo Girls. 

CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Mollie Tubes A Patriotic Mother 

Aunt Serepty McDougal A WealtJiy Old Lady 

Miss Clingie Vine A Romantic Old Ma'id 

Mrs. Ellen Hickey A Kind Neighbor 

Elsie West A Red Cross Nurse 

James Scotland Tubes One of Uncle Sam's Boys 

Simon Rubeels The Grocery Man 

Major John Pepper The Commander of the Camp 

Nelson Redd Private of the First Class 

Private Tim Graham One of the Boys 

QuEENiE Sheba Tubes Aged Eleven 

Scuffles Tubes Aged Ten 

Billy Blossom Tubes "A Little Feller" 

PuNKY The 'Tubbs Toddler 

Time — Year, Nineteen-scvcntcen. 

Place — Shantytozvn, the ''slum district" of a large city 
near a Military Camp. 

Time of Playing — Tzvo Hours and Fifteen Minutes. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. The front room of Mrs. Tubbs' little shack in 

Shantytowri. "America, here's my boy !" 
Act II. Same scene, six weeks later. A military wedding. 
Act III. Scene 1. The Army Camp at midnight. Mrs. 
Tubbs does her bit. 
Scene 2. Same as Act I. Mrs. Tubbs, a pris- 
oner of war. 

During the second act the ciirtain will be dropped for a few 
moments to indicate the lapse p( three hours. 

Notice. — Production of this -pTay is free to amateurs, but the 
sole professional rights are reserved by the author, who may be 
addressed in care of the publishers. Moving picture rights reserved. 

COPYRIGHT, 1918. BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 

FEB I8|yiy I 



• /)57SM'5 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

THE PHILOSOPHY OF MRS. TUBES. 

Joke at the man who pushes you, 
Smile at the man who hurries you, 
Laugh at the man who's sore at you, 
It doesn't cost a cent ! 

A laugh can lighten the heaviest load, 
A smile can shorten the longest road ; 
The trusting heart that smiles and sings 
Soars like a bird that has found its wings. 

Don't be carryin' round a chip. 
Wink your eye and curve your lip, 
And from life's sunshine take a sip, 
It doesn't cost a cent. 



MRS. TUBES SAYS: 

A song and a smile make life worth while. 

Eggs has riz sump'm scand'lous. How do the hens know 
there's a war over in Europe? 

Worry don't git you nothin'. Clingie's been worryin' fer 
a husband fer twenty years, and where is he? She's wor- 
ried so much that she ain't nothing but skin, flesh and bones. 

Some folks 'ud rather grunt than smile ; I ain't never 
heard a hog laugh yet, but they certainly can grunt. 

I know that if I had ten sons, I'd give each one of 'em 
to my country and be proud to say, "America, here's my 
boy !" 

I ain't never received nothin' yet from my rich relations 
except advice and picture postcards, and I ain't goin' to 
ask 'em now. 

I ain't much, I know that ; I'm only a poor widow wash- 
woman livin' in the slums of Shantytown, but I'm an Amer- 
ican, and I'll stand up fer my country and my flag. 

What have I got to give? This is what I've got to give 



4 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

— my boy! And he's worth more to me than all the money 
hi the land, but I give him gladly to his country. 

In war time folks has got to make sacrifices. Rich and 
poor, high and low, we all got to do our bit. I'll work day 
and night, and God is good ; I'll put my trust in Him, but my 
boy is going to fight for his country. 

Maybe Simon Rubbels ain't as bad as he's painted, but 
there ain't no angel wings a-sproutin' out of his shoulders, 
and I've noticed that his breath smells a heap more like 
brimstone than it does like angel cake. 

God bless every one of 'em, every boy who wears the 
khaki — on land, or tossing on the waves of the ocean, or 
over there in the trenches fightin' fer their country and 
their flag. God bless 'em and send 'em safe home. 

I've made up my mind, and when Mollie Tubbs makes 
up her mind the hull United States army and navy to boot 
can't unmake it. Gimme that rifle ! I'm doing my bit fer 
humanity and my native land. 

If every black cloud had a cyclone in it, the world 'ud 
a been blowed to toothpicks long ago. 

It's the little things in life that count, Scuffles. The little 
things. Why you might have a di'mond ring on your finger 
and a gold watch in your pocket, but if you only got one 
suspender button, and that busts, then where are yovi? 

See that flag, James? That there little star stands fer 
Missouri, and that's your star, 'cause you're a part of Mis- 
souri, so it's your flag and your country ! Her welfare is 
your welfare, her fight is your fight, and her honor is your 
honor ! 

Hand to hand, foot to foot, shoulder to shoulder they 
march, the rich and the poor, the high and the low, the 
college man and the day laborer, the millionaire and the 
tramp, the white and the black, with one idea in their 
minds, one purpose in their hearts, one voice in their ears, 
a voice that says, "Carry on, and on, and on, forward for 
God and home and the star-spangled banner !" 

And quit lookin' like a undertaker ! 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 



THE STORY OF THE PLAY. 

Mrs. Tubbs is a smiling lady of unconquerable optimism 
who "never h'ists her umbrella until it begins to rain." She 
is a widow living with her five children in Shantytown and 
manages to eke out a precarious living by taking in washing, 
and assisted by the earnings of her son James has kept her 
little flock together. But the boys are enlisting for the 
great war and James' heart is filled with a longing to do 
his bit for his country and enlist under the old flag. 

He fears, however, that his mother cannot support her- 
self and the four younger children without his assistance, 
but just when the clouds seem the darkest the silver lining 
appears in the guise of Aunt Serepty IMcDougal, a wealthy 
relative, who agrees tO take care of the family when James 
does his bit at the front. 

Simon Rubbels, the rich grocery keeper, taunts Mrs. 
Tubbs with the words that she can well afford to be patri- 
otic as she has nothing to give to her country, while he is 
being taxed to death. Nothing to give indeed? She gives 
her all, and proudly presents her first born son, saying with 
heart overflowing with patriotism and pride, "America, 
here's my boy !" 

The second act occurs some six weeks later. James is 
now a private in the training camp near the city. He has 
just been married to Elsie West, the pretty Httle Red Cross 
nurse, and the wedding festivities are broken up by the ar- 
rival of Private Redd, who orders him back to camp with 
the information that spies have been seen at camp and all 
men on leave are ordered in. 

Elsie, the little bride, is injured by a motor truck and is 
taken to the hospital late at night. Mrs. Tubbs leaves her 
home to get to the training camp and tell James about Elsie's 
accident. She arrives at midnight at the camp and finds 
James on sentry duty. Elsie is calling her husband and Mrs. 
Tubbs tells him he must go to his wife. James cannot leave 
his post of duty at midnight, but Mrs. Tubbs insists and 
takes his place as sentry at the camp. 



6 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Major Pepper, an old admirer of Mrs. Tubbs, finds her 
acting as sentry, and not recognizing her thinks she is a 
spy and orders her sent to the guard-house. The compH- 
cations are straightened out the next morning at the home 
of Mrs. Tubbs and the old-time romance between our hero- 
ine and the Major is revived. 

Great comedy scenes are introduced during the action of 
the play by Miss Clingie Vine, a romantic old maid, Scuffles, 
a lazy boy, and Queenie, a mischievous little girl. 



COSTUMES. 

Mrs. Tubbs — Aged 40. Powdered hair, face wrinkled 
with soft lead pencil. Old calico dress and limp gingham 
apron in Act I. Old-fashioned dark dress, bonnet and shawl 
in Acts 11 and III. 

Mrs. McDougal — Aged 70. White hair. Neat dark 
dress, bonnet and cloak. 

Clingie Vine — Aged 40. Cork screw curls. Gaudy 
dresses in outlandish taste. Should be tall and thin. 

Mrs. Hickey — Aged 50. Old-fashioned costumes. Should 
be short and plump. 

Elsie — Aged 19. Neat dress of Red Cross nurse. 

James — Aged 20. Work suit at the beginning of Act I. 
After that a private's uniform. 

Simon— -Aged 55. Short, stout man. Red or bald wig 
and mustache and whiskers. Old-fashioned clothes, hat and 
cane. 

Major — Aged 45. Uniform of a major. Gray hair and 
mustache. 

Redd and Tim — Young men each dressed in the uniform 
of a private. 

Queenie — Aged 11. Short dresses, striped stockings, 
pig-tails, etc. 

Scuffles — Aged 10. Short trousers, worn clothes, 
patched but neat. 

Billy — Aged about 6. Dressed similarly to Scuffles. 

Punky — Aged 4. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 



PROPERTIES. 
Table. 
Old sofa. 
Several old chairs. 
Cupboard. 

Ironing stand, with irons and clothes. 
Breakfast on table. 
Mackinaw for James. 
Dinner box for James. 
Sticks of wood for Scuffles. 
Canes for Serepty and Simon. 
Cup and can of mustard for Queenie. . 
Large set of false teeth on floor. 
Lamp on table for Act II. 
Pots of flowers for Act II. 
Wreath of red paper roses for Clingie. 
Bible on table Act II, Scene 2. Also red table cloth. 
Paper book under table cloth. 
Spectacles for Simon. 
Letters for Clingie. 

Tent, arranged with a sheet as described at beginning of 
Act III. 
Camp stool. 
Keg. 

Lighted candle in old bottle. 
Rifles for James, Redd and Tim. 
Small American flag on table. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 







s 


CENE Plot. 


r 


Ironing Stand 
1 1 




' ' \ 


Rlght / 


W'"^°^ Easy Chair X \ Left 


1 

Door to 
Street 

1 


")<, Easy Chair 


Table Door to 
1 — 1 Chair Kitchen 

Chair D D ( 1 T 

Old Sofa \ 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R.C., right center; 
L., left ; I E., first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; R. j E., 
right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from footlights ; 
down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be 
facinsr the audience. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 



Act I. 

Scene : The front room in the Tuhhs cabin in Shanty- 
town. See description on page 8 under Scene Plot. En- 
trances R., to street and L. to rear room. Windozv at 
rear. 

Bright music takes up the curtain, hut ceases as soon as 
the dialogue begins. Discovered : Mrs. Tubes at rear R. 
ironing. James seated at table front left eating his break- 
fast. QuEENiE standing near table watching him. 

Mrs. Tubes. Be sure and make out a good breakfast, 
James Scotland. The mornin's kind of frosty and I didn't 
have much to put in your dinner pail for lunch. It does 
beat all nature how high things is on account of the war. 
Why even eggs has riz sump'm scand'Ious. (Savagely.) 
How do the hens know there's a war over in Europe? 

James. Well, as long as I get plenty o' good corn cakes 
I ain't goin' to worry. And these certainly are good. I 
dunno how many I've et already. 

Queenie. I do. Twelve. 

Mrs. T. And you can have twelve more if you want 'em, 
son. Queenie, go grease the griddle agin. 

James. I want 'em all right, maw, but honest I dunno 
where I'm goin' to put 'em. I'm full clear up to here. 
(Dra7vs line ivitJi finger across chin.) 

Mrs. T. I put some good cold johnny cake in your box, 
James, and some stewed persimmons and a big helpin' of 
baked beans and two er three apples and some of my mus- 
tard pickles. It ain't much for a working man's lunch, son, 
but it's the best I could do. 

James. I wouldn't trade it fer a dinner with the presi- 
dent. As long as I can get things like that I ain't goin' to 
worry about eggs. 

Mrs. T. No use o' worryin' no-how. It don't git you 

9 



10 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

nothing. Look at Miss Clingie Vine, our boarder. She's 
been worryin' fer a husband fer the last twenty years, wor- 
ries day and night, and what good does it do ? That womern 
worries so much she ain't nothin' but flesh, skin and bones. 

QuEENiE. Maw, why don't you make Scuffles get up? 
It's most seven o'clock, 

Mrs. T. My land of love! Has that boy gone back to 
sleep again? I've done waked him up three times this 
morning already. (Goes to door at L.) Scuffles! (Pause.) 
Scuffles!. Ain't you up yet ? (Louder.) Scuffles Methusa- 
lem Tubbs, if you don't want me to come* in there and haul 
you out with a dipper of cold water, you stir your stumps. 
(Pause.) He don't hear a word I say. He's in there snorin' 
like a steam enjine comin' down grade with all brakes off. 
Scuffles! (Exit L.) 

James (putting on rnackinazv or rough overcoat at rear). 
Well, I've got to be gettin' along. 

QuEENiE (goes to liim). James, did you hear about Karl 
Klauder ? 

James. What about him? 

QuEENiE. He's volunteered. 

James. He did? Good old Karl. Gave up his barber 
shop and everything, did he? 

Queenie. Yes. He told Mis' Timmins that his country 
came first. What do you think of that? And his paw was 
a German. 

James. That's the kind of fellers that make us proud 
to know. Karl's a regular hero, sis. 

Queenie. I was wondering. (Pauses.) 

James. Wondering what? 

Queenie. Oh, nothing. 

James. I know what it is. You was wondering why I 
don't enlist, wasn't you? 

Queenie. Well — (pauses, hangs her head). 

James. Let me tell you that I've done some pretty hard 
thinkin' for the past month. I want to go. I never wanted 
anything so much in all my life. I ain't a slacker, sis, I 
ain't a slacker. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 11 

QuEENiE. Of course you ain't, James. If I ever heard 
anybody call you a slacker I'd give 'em a good kick on the 
shins. 

James. But how can I go to war and leave you and maw 
and the children all alone? The house ain't paid for yet 
and you and Scuffles have got to be kep' in school. I didn't 
have much education when I was a kid, Queenie, and it's 
kept me back, more'n anything else on earth. So I got 
to stay and work for you. 

Queenie. I knew you weren't a slacker anyway, 

James. If I thought you and maw and the kids could 
get along all right I'd volunteer today. 

Queenie (gives Jiini lunch box). We're just as proud of 
you as if you did. You're the best big brother in Shanty- 
town. Come on, I'll walk to the gate with you. (They go 
out at R.) 

Enter Mrs. T. from L., leading Scuffles. 

Scuffles. Oh, maw, I hate gettin' up worser'n poison, 

Mrs. T. Now quit your whinin'. I've been up since five 
o'clock, and so has Queenie. I guess if a couple of women 
folks can get out of bed, a great big boy like you can. 

Scuffles. You talk about clothes fittin' me, and my 
hat fittin' me, and my shoes fittin' me ; there ain't nothin' 
fits me so good as the warm, old feather bed on a cold 
morning. 

Mrs. T. Now you hurry up and go out and split me 
some wood right away. 

Scuffles. Oh, maw, I hate splittin' wood worser'n 
poison. 

Mrs. T. I never saw such a boy. (Irons.) The rest of 
the fambly ain't got a lazy bone in their hull body, and 
look at you. Look at you, I say ! 

Scuffles (grunts). Huh? 

Mrs. T. Quit your gruntin' and speak out -like a huming 
being. And quit lookin' like a undertaker. Smile a little. 
It don't cost a cent. Some folks 'ud rather grunt than smile. 
I ain't never heard a hog laugh yet, but they certainly can 
sfrunt. 



12 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Scuffles. I hate laughin' worser'n poison. 

Mrs. T. Ain't you got them shoes laced up yet? You're 
slower'n a worm with the rheumatism. Now go and spHt 
the wood and then help Queenie fry some corn cakes for 
your breakfast. 

Scuffles. Fry corn cakes? Say, you're makin' a reg'lar 
womern folks outer me. I hate fryin' corn cakes worser'n 
poison. (At door R.) 

Mrs. T. I notice you like to eat 'em well enough. Hurry 
up now and don't have no more argument. I never see sich 
a boy. *You talk and talk and argue and argue. I do declare 

you're' worser'n . (Insert name of prominent lawyer.) 

Maybe I'll make you into a lawyer when you grow up, if 
you study your 'rithmetic. 

Scuffles. I hate studyin' 'rithmetic worser'n poison. 

Mrs. T. (throzvs zvet rolled-it p towel at him). Scat, I 
say. Fill up the wood box and don't stand there lookin' like 
a gander in a snowstorm. 

Scuffles. I hate — 

I\Irs. T. (throzvs another tozvel at him, he dodges and 
runs out R.) My, my, my! I never see sich a boy. I dunno 
what'll ever become of him. Guess Fll have to make a 
school teacher out'n him. That's what he'll come to in the 
end (pauses), or maybe a policeman. Scuffles 'ud make 
a lovely policeman. 

Enter Queenie from R. 

Queenie. IMaw, what do you think? James Scotland 
wants to enlist as a soldier. 

Mrs. T. How do you know? 

Queenie. He told me so. He said he'd give anything 
on earth if he could shoulder a musket and go and fight 
for his country. That's the kind of a brother to be proud 
of. ain't it? My, if only we was rich. 

Mrs. T. Now, Queenie, don't you go getting notions in 
your head. Of course my boy wants to serve his country. 
Why shouldn't he? Look at his paw. The late Mr. Tubbs 
was a soldier in the Spanish-American war and went clean 
over to Cuby a-fightin' them Spanishers. And his grand- 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 13 

father fit in the war of '65 and got a pension as long as he 
lived. I tell you, Queenie Sheba Tubbs, you come from 
fightin' stock. I'm surprised that James Scotland ain't en- 
listed in spite of everything. 

Queenie. Who'd take care of us if James went away 
to war? 

Mrs. T. I reckon we'd get took care of. If the Lord sees 
every sparrow that falls I reckon I'm big enough fer Him to 
see. And then there's your paw's aunt, Serepty McDougal, 
over at Bitter Crick, who's worth sixty thousand and one 
foot in the grave and nary a chick er a child to leave it to. 
Maybe she'd take care of us if James went away to fight for 
his country. I'm goin' to have a talk with my boy tonight, 
Queenie, and if he wants to go — go he shall ! I'll give him 
his grandpaw's old revolver and his paw's flag and bid him 
God-speed. That's the woman's part of the war, honey. 
Our men folks risk their lives for the old red, white and 
blue, but the woman is jest as brave who buckles, on their 
swords and tells 'em to go to answer their country's call. 

Queenie (at table). Shall I put away the things, maw, 
or are you goin' to wait for Miss Vine? 

Mrs. T. No, I ain't. The last time we woke her up she 
said she was gettin' her beauty sleep, and I says to myself, 
"Mollie Tubbs, if sleep'll improve her beauty, let her sleep, 
fer goodness knows she needs all she kin git!" (Queenie 
clears tabic.) I knowed something was on Jameses mind for 
the past month, but I never thought he was hankerin' to go 
to war. 

Queenie. Oh, maw, he wants to go awful bad. Couldn't 
we git along without him? Maybe I could get a job in the 
overall factory. 

Mrs. T. I dunno, Queenie, but if he wants to go I'm 
goin' to let him go. This is a big war and there's only one 
way we kin win, every man, woman and child in the country 
has got to do his bit ! Maybe it ain't much, and maybe it's 
a good deal, but it's got to be did, and Mollie Tubbs is goin' 
to do her bit fer Uncle Sam if it's my last act on earth. 

Queenie. What do you mean by doin' your bit, maw? 



14 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Mrs. T. My bit means that I'm goin' to send my boy to 
war, Queenie. He's all I got, honey, but I'll let him go 
to war. 

Queenie (helping Mrs. T. zmth the ironing). But it's 
so horrible, maw. 

Mrs. T. Nobody knows better'n me how horrible war 
is, but when I see the star-spangled banner flyin' in the 
breeze, when I hear the band playin' Columbir, the Gem o-f 
the Ocean ■ or Dixie, and see the brave young boys go 
marchin' by, I know that if I had ten sons, I'd give each 
one of 'em to my country and be proud to say, "America, 
here's my boy !" 

Queenie. But how'll we get along if James Scotland 
goes to war? 

Mrs. T. I reckon I kin get a job in the laundry. I ain't 
worryin' about that. 

Queenie. Don't you reckon old Aunt Serepty McDougal 
'ud help us, maw? 

Mrs. T. I ain't never received nothin' from our rich re- 
lations except advice and a picture postcard, and I ain't 
goin' to ask 'em now. 

Enter Scuffles from R. ivith small armful of wood. 

Queenie. Oh, Scuffles, James Scotland is going to enlist. 

Scuffles. He is? Honest? 

Queenie. Yes, and maw's goin' to git a job in the laun- 
dry. Maybe you could get a job shinin' shoes. 

Scuffles. Me? No, I couldn't, and besides I hate shinin' 
shoes worser'n poison. 

Mrs. T. Is that all the wood you chopped, Scuffles Me- 
thusalem Tubbs? 

Scuffles. Yes'm. I couldn't chop no more on an empty 
stomach. I ain't had no breakfast yet. 

Mrs. T. You're gettin' more like your paw every day. 
I never see sich a boy. By rights I ought to take you on my 
knee and give you a good sound spankin'. 

Scuffles (zvhining). Oh, maw, you wouldn't give me a 
spankin' on a empty stomach, would yer? 

Mrs. T. No, I wouldn't. I reckon I'd turn vou over. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 15 

Scuffles. I hate a spankin' worser'n poison. 

Mrs. T. You go in there in the kitchen and fry yourself 
some corn cakes. If you can't get up in time for breakfast 
you eat in the kitchen. 

Scuffles. Can't you make Queenie fry the cakes? It 
ain't right fer a boy to fry cakes no how. Makin' a reg'lar 
vvomern folks outer me. 

Mrs. T. Queenie, you go in and wake up Billy Blossom 
and Punky Dunks. By the time you get 'em dressed Scuf- 
fles'll have breakfiast ready. 

Scuffles (at door L.). I hate fryin' cakes worser'n 
poison. (Exit L.) 

Queenie. I'll help him, maw. Just as soon as I get the 
children up. (Goes to L.) And after breakfast let's go over 
and tell James that we've decided to do our bit and let him 
go to war. 

Mrs. T. Queenie, honey, I dunno what I'd do without 
you. You're jest as good as gold, all wool and a wide yard. 

Queenie (laughs). A .wide yard, maw? 

Mrs. T. I mean a yide ward. A yard wide. Anyhow, 
you're my own little daughter. Now hurry up and wake 
the babies. (Exit Queenie at L.) 

(Loud rap heard at door at R.) 

Serepty McDougal (outside R.). Anybody to home? 
(Louder.) I say, is there anybody to home? 

Mrs. T. My land of love! (Goes toivard door at R.) 
Hold your horses, I'm comin'! (Opens door.) 

Enter Serepty McDougal, a zvoman of seventy, well 
dressed and zvalking with stout cane. 

Serepty. I'm looking for a party named Tubbs. 

Mrs. T. My name's Tubbs, but I dunno as I'm much of 
a party, unless it's a poverty party. 

Serepty. Wash-lady, I understand? 

Mrs. T. Yes'm, I wash regularly. 

Serepty. I haven't lived here long. Maybe I could give 
yovi some work. 

Mrs. T. Thank you. Won't you sit down? 



16 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Serepty. No time to sit down. I'm staying at the Chal- 
mers Hotel. Come up this afternoon and get the washing 

Mrs. T. Yes'm. Name? 

SerepTy.v Mv name is McDougal. 

Mrs. T. McDougal? 

Serepty. Yes. 

Mrs. T. My late husband used to have an aunt named 
McDougal. Lives over at Bitter Crick. 

Serepty. Indeed ? 

Mrs. T. I don't suppose you've got any kin folks over 
at Bitter Creek, have you? 

Serepty. I have not. 

Mrs. T. No. I didn't suppose it was likely. Still, Mc- 
Dougal ain't what you might call a common name. 

Serepty. No, neither is Tubbs. 

Enter Scuffles from L. 

Scuffles. Maw, make Queenie Sheba come in here and 
fry me some breakfast. Every cake I fry sticks to the 
bottom of the skillet. 

Mrs. T. Run along. Scuffles, I got. company. 

Scuffles. I hate fryin' cakes worser'n poison. (Exit 

Serepty. Got a family, have you? 

Mrs. T. Yes'm. Three boys and two girls. 

Serepty. Must be pretty hard on you. 

Mrs. T. I ain't one to complain. I wouldn't trade ary 
one of 'em for a king's ransom. 

Serepty. Was that boy your oldest? 

Mrs. T. Oh, no. James Scotland's my oldest! He's 
twenty. He works at the factory. 

Serepty. Why ain't he in the army? 

Mrs. T. (hesitates) . Because, because — 

Serepty. Got good health, ain't he? 

Mrs. T. Oh, yes, and he's just crazy to enlist; but we 
have a hard time to make both ends meet as it is, with me 
and James both working, and if he went to war — 

Serepty. Don't you want him to fight for his country? 

Mrs. T. Don't I? Yes, ma'am. I do, and what's more 



■ MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 17 

he's going to. I was just talking about it as you come in. 
I ain't goin' to stand in his way. I can get a job some- 
wheres and we'll get along. I've made up my mind. I'm 
goin' to do my bit. I'm goin' to give 'em my boy. 

Serepty. It would be foolish of you. He don't have 
to go until he's twenty-one. Don't you need his wages to 
support you and the family? 

Mrs. T. In war times folks has got to make sacrifices. 
Rich and poor, high and low, we all go to do our bit. I'll 
work day and night and God is good. I'll put my trust in 
Him, but my boy is going to fight for his country. 

Serepty. Get on your bonnet. 

Mrs. T. My bonnet? What for? 

Serepty. We're going to find that bay and let him en- 
list. I reckon I'll do my bit, too. I got an income of four 
hundred dollars a month and you're the widow of my 
nephew. I'm your Aunt Serepty McDougal of Bitter Crick. 
I'm going to help you out. 

Mrs. T. My aunt? Serepty McDougal? You? 

Serepty. Don't stop to ask questions. Get your bon- 
net. If James Sc6tland wants to go to war, I'll see that 
he goes, and I reckon I've got enough to take care of his 
family. 

Mrs. T. But— 

Serepty {hit emip ting). Don't stop to' talk. Get your 
bonnet. We'll have that young fellow in the army before 
the clock strikes noon. 

Mrs. T. Oh, it's too good to be true. How can I thank 
you — 

Serepty {interrupts). Don't waste words trying to thank 
me. Get your bonnet. 

Mrs. T. You're an angel, Aunt Serepty McDougal. A 
fallen angel. Fallen right down from the skies. {Exits L.) 

Serepty. An angel ? I haven't been called an angel since 
Sandy McDougal courted me fifty years ago. 

Enter Mrs. T., putting on bonnet and sJiawl. 
Mrs. T. I'm all ready. {Calls.) Queenie, you mind the 
babies until I get back, 



18 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Enter Queenie from L., follozved by Billy and Punky, 
the children partly dressed. 

Queenie. Where you going, maw? 

Mrs. T. I'm going to Jameses factory. He's going to 
join the army. Let's hurry. This is your new aunt, Serepty 
AIcDougal. 

Serepty. We'll be back in half an horir and we'll bring 
a turkey with us. {Exits L.) 

j\Irs. T. Take good care of the house, Queenie, and all 
of you be good children. I've got to hurry. (Hurries out 
R., after kissing the children hastily.) 

Billy. Where's she going? 

Queenie. She'* going to put James in the army. Ain't 
it just grand? 

Billy. I wanna be in the army, too. 

PuNKY. Punky wanna be in army, too. 

Queenie. I'll start a little army of my own. Here, put 
on your shoes. Soldiers has got to wear shoes. {She helps 
the children dress.) Brother James is going to be a great 
big soldier with a gun and a sword and everything. 

Billy. I wanna gun and a sword and everything. 

Punky. Me, too. I wanna gun an' everything. 

Queenie. And he's going to march away to the camp 
and be a soldier. And he's going to have a uniform and a 
hat and play on a drum, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom ! 

Enter Scuffles from L. 

Scuffles. Say, ain't we never goin' to have no breakfast 
at all? Where's maw? 

Queenie. She's gone away to put James in the army. 

Scuffles. Is he going to be a soldier? Honest? 

Queenie. Yes, he is. Here, you help Billy. Take him 
in the kitchen and wash him under the sink. 

Billy. I don't wanna be washed. 

Queenie. Soldiers has got to be washed. If you don't 
get washed you never can join the army. Hurry up! 

Enter Mrs. Hickey from R. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 19 

]\Irs. Hickey. Qiieenie, who was the lady your maw 
went out with? 

QuEENiE. That was. Aunt Serepty McDougal. 

Mrs. H. My, my ! I've heard your maw taljv about her. 
She was kin folks to your paw and rich as Queen Victoria. 
Where did they go? 

QuEENiE. After James. 

Mrs. H. What for? I was settin' by my window and I 
seen 'em run down the street like the house was afire. I 
couldn't rest a minute until I'd run over to find out the news. 

QuEENiE. James is going to enlist in the army. 

Mrs. H. Well, well, welf! 

Scuffles. And so am I. I'm going to enlist, too. 

Billy. And so is me. I'm going to 'list. 

PuNKY. Me, too. 

Mrs. H. If that don't beat all. I suppose your rich aunt 
is goin' to take you all to live with her in the country, ain't 
she? 

Scuffles. I wouldn't live in no country. We'd all be 
rUbes. I'd hate livin' in the country worser'n poison. 

Mrs. H. I knew when they built that camp so close to 
town that all our boys would be wantin' to join the army. 

Queenie. I've been out to the camp twice, but they 
wouldn't let me in. 

Scuffles. I guess when James gets to be a soldier we 
kin git in all right. Miss Elsie wants me to join the Boy 
Scouts. 

Billy. I wanna be a Boy Scout. 

PuNKY. Me, too. 

]\Irs. H. Well, I left my breakfast a-cookin' on the stove, 
so as I could run over and hear the news. I got to be get- 
ting back. Where's your lady boarder this morning? 

Queenie. Aliss Vine ain't got up yet. 

Mrs. H. IMy, my, my! And it's most eight o'clock. 
Seems to me that woman don't do nothin' but sleep. 

Queenie. Sh ! She might hear you. 

Clingie Vine (outside at L., groans). Oh, oh, oh! 
{Long zvail.) 



20 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Mrs. H. My stars and punkins, what's that? 
QuEENiE. I don't know. 
Billy. Sounds hke a ghost. • 

Clingie (outside). Help, help! Oh, somebody, help! 
(Groans.) 
Mrs. H. (goes to L.). What is it? 
QuEENiE. It's Miss Vine. She sounds like she's sick. 
Scuffles. Sick? Then we won't never get no breakfast. 

Enter Clingie from L., her hair in curl papers. She 
wears an old wrapper. 

Clingie. Oh, Mis' Tubbs ! Mis' Tubbs, sump'm awful's 
happened. (Looks around.) Where's Mis' Tubbs? 

Mrs. H. She's gone to put James Scotland in the army. 

Clingie (mujiibles). Oueenie, you and the children look 
all around the floor. (Holds liandkerchicf to mouth.) I've 
lost 'em. 

Queenie (looks on floor, getting on knees, others all do 
the same, all crawling around). What is it? 

Clingie. Oh, I've lost 'em. And if I didn't lose 'em I 
swallered 'em. And I'm a dead womern. (Sinks in rocking 
chair and acts faint.) Oh! 

Mrs. H. What is it? What did you lose? 

Clingie. My teeth. 

Others. Your teeth? 

Clingie. My uppers. Hunt around. Oh, oh ! ]\Iaybe 
I swallered 'em. 

Mrs. H. (searching all around zvith the children). Maybe 
they're in your room. 

Clingie. No, no. I looked everywhere. Oh, I swal- 
lered 'em. I kin feel 'em. Oh, I'm going to faint. 

Mrs. H. (shakes her). Don't faint. (Shakes harder.) 

Clingie. Oh, I heard 'em rattle. I heard 'em rattle. 

Scuffles. Do they bite you? 

Clingie. I dunno. Go and get the doctor. 

Mrs. H. The Red Cross nurse is over at Clemenses. Go 
and fetch her. Scuffles. (Scuffles runs out at R.) 
Queenie, get her some water. Hurry up ! 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 21 

Clingie. Yes, hurry up. Every minute might be my 
last. They was on my table last night and now they're gone. 

Mrs. H. Get some hot water, Queenie, and put some 
mustard in it. (Queenie runs out at L.) 

Clingie. I'm real fainty. 

Mrs. H. (sJiakcs Jier). Don't faint. If you faint now 
you'll choke to death. Get up and walk around. Keep 
moving. 

Clingie. Oh, I can't, I can't ! 

Mrs. H. (pulls her up and .forces her to run back and 
forth). Faster, faster! If you faint you're a dead woman. 
Keep moving. Hurry up ! 

Enter Scuffles from R., folloived by Elsie West, in 
Red Cross uniform. 

Elsie. Where is she? Scuffles says you've swallowed 
your teeth. 

Clingie. My uppers. Oh, I'm real fainty. (Sinks in 

Enter Queenie from L. 

Queenie. Here's the hot water and the mustard. 

Elsie. That's right. Give me the cup. Where's the mus- 
tard? 

Mrs. H. Make it real hot. (Puts in a large quantity of 
mustard.) That's the only thing that will save you. 

Elsie (stirs it). You must drink it right down. 

Clingie. Oh, I'm dying, I'm dying. I can't drink it. 

Mrs. H. Hold your nose. Here, I'll hold it for you. 
(Does so.) 

Elsie (holding cup to her lips). Drink it all. 

Clingie (struggles). Oh! (Drinks, then shrieks.) Oh, 
I'm poisoned. I'm poisoned. (Rtishes to door at L.) I'm 
a dead womern. (Runs out at L., groaning. Elsie e.xits L.) 

PuNKY (has found the teeth, a very large set of uppers, 
on the floor, she Jiolds them out to Mrs. H.). Teeth! 

Mrs. H. What's that? 

PuNKY. Teeth, 

Mrs. H. My stars and punkins, if the baby ain't found 
Miss Clingie's uppers. 



chair.) 



22 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

QuEENiE. Give 'em here, Punky. (Takes them.) Oh, 
Miss Qingie, Miss Chngie, we found your teeth. (Exits L.) 

Billy. Say, Scufifles, when we goin' to eat? 

Scuffles. That's just what I want to know. 

Mrs. H. That reminds me, I ain't had no breakfast yet. 
(Suddenly.) My stars and punkins, I left my breakfast 
cookin' on the stove, and I'll bet a doughnut it's all burnt 
black and blue. (Runs out R.) 

Enter Elsie from L. 

Elsie. Now, children, you must be very quiet. Miss 
Vine's sick in bed. And you know how hard it is to listen 
to noise when you're sick. 

Billy. I ain't sick, I'm just hungry. 

Punky. Me hungy, too. 

Elsie. Haven't you had any breakfast yet ? 

Scuffles. We was just startin' it when Miss Clingie lost 
her uppers. 

Elsie. Where's Mrs. Tubbs? 

Scuffles. Gone down to Jameses factory. She's goin' 
to let him go to war. 

Elsie. James going to enlist ? 

Scuffles. Yes he island I'm glad of it. Now maybe 
you'll pay a little attention to me once in a while. 

Elsie. Why, Scuffles, I do. You're just the same as my 
little brother. 

Scuffles. I ain't so little. Say, INIiss Elsie, when I put 
on long pants will you marry me? 

Elsie. Well, maybe. But that will be such a long time 
to wait. I'll be a real old lady by that time. 

Scuffles. I bet if it was brother James Scotland you'd 
wait for him. Say, honest, do you like him better'n me? 

Elsie. I like you both. And Billy and Punky and 
Queenie and Mrs. Tubbs and the whole family. 

Billy. And the goat — do you like the goat, Miss Elsie? 

Elsie. Yes, indeed, Billy. I'm awfully fond of the goat. 

Scuffles. But you like James the best, don't you? Mis' 
Hickey said he was your beau. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 23 

Elsie. Mrs. Hickey says a good many things besides her 
prayers. Enter Queenie from L. 

Qu^ENiE. Miss Vine's asleep and her uppers are in. 
Maybe she'll swallow 'em sure enough this time. 

Elsie. Come, Queenie, let's go in and get breakfast. I'm 
sure the children are hungry. 

Billy. You bet your boots I'm hungry. 

PuNKY. Me, too. 

Scuffles. Say, Miss Elsie, if James goes away to war 
can I be your only beau? 

Elsie. Why, of course you can. But if you are to be 
my beau you'll have to be a real good little man and do 
everything your mother wants you to and never say that 
you hate things worser'n poison. 

Scuffles. Gee, you're askin' a whole lot. 

Elsie. And then you must join the Boy Scouts. 

Scuffles. I think I'd like that. I asked Mis' Hickey if 
she thought you'd ever marry me and she said not until I 
raised a mustache. And I've got one started. 

Elsie. Scufifles, what do you mean? 

Scuffles. I mean I've got the money started to get one. 

Elsie. A mustache? 

Scuffles. Bet your life. It comes in a bottle and you 
rub it on your lip and it costs thirty cents. I got nine cents 
saved up already. 

Elsie. But I don't want you to have a mustache, honey. 
I like you better just as you are. 

Queenie. Humph ! You couldn't raise a mustache if 
you tried. You ain't old enough. 

Scuffles. Could too. I'm most as old as you. 

Queenie. Ain't neither. You're just a little bit of a kid. 

Elsie. Now don't quarrel. Birds in their little nests 
agree. 

Queenie. I know, but I ain't a bird. 

Elsie. A\'ho wants to help me get breakfast? 

All. I do, I do, I do! 

Elsie. Then come along. Scuffles, if you're a real good 
boy I'll help you join the Boy Scouts. 



24 AIRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

QuEENiE. And what'll you do fer me? 

Elsie. I'll take you out to the camp some day and we'll 
watch James Scotland drill. 

Scuffles. You don't think about nothin' but James Scot- 
land all the time. 

Elsie. Come on. We've got to get breakfast. (Exit 
L. ivith children.) 

Enter Mrs. T. from R. folloived by Mrs. H. 

Mrs. T. (talking as she enters). And he passed a per- 
fect physical examination. A, number one. And Aunt 
Serepty McDougal is with him now and she's going to buy 
him a uniform. The man told her the government fur- 
nished the clothes, but she's so proud of James that she de- 
cided maybe the government's clothes wasn't good enough, 
or warm enough, or fancy enough, and so she's going to 
buy him a whole outfit, shoes, shirt, cap and everything from 
the skin out. (Removes bonnet and shaivl.) 

Mrs. H. I allers heard she was rich. And ain't it nice 
fer her to stand by you now? 

Mrs. T. We're her nearest relatives and she says I'm 
not to take in washing any more. I told her I couldn't eat 
the bread of charity without turning over my hand, and so 
she's going to make me her housekeeper. 

Mrs. H. My, my, ain't that nice ! 

Mrs. T. And she's got a automobile and seven cows and 
horses and bees and a farm and an apple orchard and six 
hired men. What do you think of that? Six! 

Mrs. H. And are you going to move to the country? 

Mrs. T. Not as long as James stays here at the training 
camp. Of course as soon as he is sent across the ocean we'll 
all move out to Bitter Crick. (Looks around.) Where's the 
children? (Goes to door L.) Excuse me a minute. Mis' 
Hickey, till I look after the children. (Exits L.) 

Mrs. H. My, my, what good luck Mollie Tubbs does 
have. But she deserves it. She's as honest and bright as a 
new penny, and as cheerful as a cage full of monkeys. 

Enter Simon Rubbels frotn R. He ivears red or gray 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 25 

zvig and zvhiskcrs, old-fashioned clothes, overcoat, muf- 
fler, hat and cane. 

Simon Rubbels. Morning! 

Mrs. H. ]\Iorning, yourself. 

Simon. You ain't living here now, air you? 

Mrs. H. Not so'z you can notice it, Simon Rubbels. 

Simon. Seems like every time I come here to collect my 
rent I find yovi here. 

Mrs. H. Well, it worries me jest about as much as it 
does you. There's only one way to stop it. You'd better 
quit comin' fer your rent. 

Simon. Now, Ellen Hickey — 

Mrs. H. Don't you Ellen Hickey me, Simon Rubbels. I've 
paid my rent, like a good honest woman, and I don't want 
nothin' to do with you until you put up a new fence in my 
front yard and a new coat of paint on the house and mend 
the kitchen door and put in them two winder panes that's 
been knocked out more'n a year. And if you don't do it, 
I'm going to move. 

Simon. Just as you please. I'm thinkin' about raisin' 
your rent anyhow the first of the month. 

Mrs. H. Why, you old skin-flinted miser, you! If I was 
a man I'd give you a punch on the nose. I'm going to move, 
Simon Rubbels, outer your old ramshackle house. I'm 
payin' enough rent to live in a flat down town. Raise my 
rent indeed! {Crosses t'o R.) You'd orter pay me fifteen 
dollars a month fer livin' in sech a moth-eaten, worm-rid- 
dled, sun-blistered, wind-shook, tottering old Noah's ark 
where the snow comes in in winter and the rain comes in 
in summer, with squirrels and sparrows runnin' round in 
the attic, mice in the bedrooms, rats in the cellar, roaches 
in the sink and spiderses and malaria and mildew from 
front to back and frOm top to bottom. I'm concluded, I'm 
done, I'm finished, I'm through, and I'm going to move. 
And you can just put that in your pipe and smoke it. 
(Flounces out R., slauiming door in his face as lie tries to 
follozv her.) 

Simon. You bet you're goin' to move, or I'll have the 



26 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

police put you out. Every time I. see that womern I feel 
jest like gettin' down on my bended knees and singin' the 
doxology because I'm a widower. 

Enter Mrs. T. from L. 

Mrs. T. Why, it's Mr. Rubbels. Good morning, ]\Ir. 
Rubbels. {Dozvn C.) 

Simon. Morning. I come for my rent. {At L.) 

Mrs. T. Well— er (hesitates). 

Simon. Well, what? 

Mrs. T. I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Rubbels, but I can't let 
you have it this morning. I had hoped to get some money 
from the places I wash for, but I ain't had time to collect it. 

Simon. That ain't my fault. I've got my debts to pay 
and how can I pay 'em, unless you pay me? That's what I 
want to know. How can I pay 'em ? 

Mrs. T. But I mean to pay you, Mr. Rubbels. Can't 
you come around tomorrow? 

Simon. No, I can't. Think I ain't got nothin' else to do 
except just to be runnin' around here for my rent. I'm a 
busy man, Mollie Tubbs, and when money's owing to me 
— I want it. 

Mrs. T. Yes, sir, I know that. I'd let you have it, "if I 
could. And tomorrow I'm' sure I'll have it for you. 

Simon. I've got to pay my garage bill this afternoon. 
I've had to buy two new tires for my Ford. 

Mrs. T. I'm sorry. 

Simon. No, you aint; you're glad of it. 

Mrs. T. I just paid my grocery bill and it was more than 
I expected. Everything's so high nowadays. 

Simon. Of course it is. And it's all on account of the 
war. If we hadn't a been rushed into this here war agin 
our wills things 'ud be just as cheap as ever. 

Mrs. T. But we had to go to war,- Mr. Rubbels. It was 
forced on us. They sank our ships, they fired on innocent 
women and children — 

Simon. Bah! 

Mrs. T. It's true, every word of it. We didn't want to 
go to war, the Lord knows, but what was we goin' to do ? 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 27 

Simon. It's just a scheme to make millionaires outer the 
big bugs, that's what it is. They wanted to get us into war 
so'z they could boost the price of everything and make more 
millions. It's all fer the benefit of the millionaires. 

Mrs. T. Simon Rubbels, that ain't so. It's for your 
benefit and my benefit. It's for the uplifting of humanity. 
It's for the star-spangled banner. 

Simon. Bah ! 

Mrs T. (advances to him in tlircatcning manner). Don't 
you dare to say bah to the star-spangled banner, Simon Rub- 
bels. Don't you dare insult my flag and my country. I 
ain't much, I know that, I'm only a poor widowed wash- 
woman livin' in the slums of Shantytown, but I'm an Ameri- 
can and I'll stand up fer my country and fer my flag! 

Simon, (sneers). Very heroic. I'm in favor of peace 
myself. 

Mrs. T. Makes no difiference if you are. Your country 
is at war. This is its hour of peril. It ain't fer the likes of 
us to decide whether we're to have war or peace. We ain't 
the President. If he says Peace, then I'm fer peace, and if 
he says War, I'm fer war. 

Simon. W'ell let him fight it then, it ain't my war. 

Mrs. T. It is your war, 'cause it's your land that's in 
danger, it's your flag that's been trod under foot. These 
brave boys who've answered their country's call, look what 
they're giving up — their jobs, their futures, their money, 
their lives maybe, leaving their homes and their fathers and 
mothers and waves and little children, and all fer what, 
Simon Rubbels? Fer yon! Fer your protection, fer your 
honor, fer your flag ! 

Simon. You don't understand. Women can't under- 
stand things like this. 

Mrs T. It's you who don't understand ! It takes patriot- 
ism and honor and love to understand, Simon Rubbels. 

Simon. Oh, it's easy enough for you to talk this way. 
You're a widow and you ain't got nothin'. They're taxing 
me to death. That's why I'm agin it. But it don't affect 
you. They don't ask nothin' of you, because you're poor 



28 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

and ain't got nothing. You call it your flag and your 
country, but I'm the one that's called on to support it, I'm 
the one that has to pay the taxes, what have you got to give ? 

Enter James fj'oni R., in uniform. 

Mrs. T. What have I got to give? (Throzvs her arm 
around her son's shoulder). This is what I've got to give! 
My boy, and he's worth more to me than all the money in 
the land, but I give him gladly. It's the proudest moment of 
my life right now, when I can say, "America, here's my 
boy !" That's what I've got to give. 

Tableau: James standing at R. Mrs. T. at R. C, Jier 
right arm over his shoulder. Simon, baffled and ashamed, 
turns aside at L. 

Curtain. 



Act II. 



Scene I. Same set as Act I, but an afternoon about six 
zveeks later than the preceding act. Table at C. set for 
supper. White cloth on table. Bright lamp on table. Several 
pots of flozvers around stage. The ironing stand, etc., of 
Act I has been removed. 

Time : Late afternoon. 

Discovered at rise of curtain Serepty seated in easy chair 
dozen L., Mrs. H. seated in rocking chair down R. Clingie 
at rear of table, facing audience and arranging the table. 

Serepty. What time is it now. Miss Vine? 

Clingie. It ain!t five yet. 

Serepty. They ought to be here pretty soon. My, how 
nice the table looks, don't it, Mis' Hickey? 

Mrs. H. It sure does. We borrowed all the flowers in 
Shantytown to make the room look kind o' gay like. We 
don't have many weddings down here in this part of town. 

Clingie. Not military weddings anyhow. I think it's 
real romantical. A soldier in the army marryin' a Red 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 29 

Cross nurse, and James Scotland is such a handsome sol- 
dier, too. 

Serepty. Of course he is. He takes after my side of 
the family. Mrs. Tubbs is real nice and awfully handy but 
she ain't what you might call a good-looker. 

Mrs. H. Handsome is as handsome does is what I say. 
Mollie Tubbs is jest as good as gold and I dunno what we're 
goin' to do here in Shantytown without her. I don't see. 
Mis' McDougal, why you don't settle down here with Mollie 
and the children and make this your home instead of moving 
'em all out to the country. 

Serepty. I couldn't stand it here. And besides the 
country is the proper place to bring up children. I know. 
I brought up ten of 'em. Mollie's just crazy to go and so 
are all the children and we're going to move to Bitter Creek 
in the morning. 

Clingie. (sits at rear.) I dunno what I'm goin' to do 
when Mis' Tubbs moves. I know I can't find another land- 
lady near as nice and obliging as she is. I reckon I'll have 
to get married just in self defense. 

Mrs. H. Married? Why Clingie Vine you ain't thinkin' 
about gettin' married, are you? 

Clingie. Of course I am. 

Mrs. H. At your age? 

Clingie. I ain't so very old, Ellen Hickey, and you 
know it. Of course I ain't what you might call a giddy 
young thing in short skirt§, but I've got a perposal a hangin' 
over my head, as it were, and if Mrs. Tubbs moves to the 
country there ain't nothin' left fer me to do but to enter 
into the holy wedlocks of matrimony. 

Mrs. H. Why, I didn't know you had a beau. 

Clingie. I didn't know it myself until last Tuesday. 
It's real romantical. Here I've been knowin' him fer years 
and years and years and he's been knowin' me, but neither 
of us had the gumption to know that we was in love. Then 
all of a sudden it struck him, jest like little Cupid shootin' 
him in the heart with a little arrow. It come all of a sudden 
like the measles er the influenzy, and now he says he's just 



30 MRS. tUBBS DOES HER BIT 

broke out all over with love and he wants me to get married 
at once. 

Mrs. H. And who is he, Clingie? 

Clingie. It's Mr. Rubbels. Just think Simon Rubbels 
wants me to be his blushin' little bride. 

Mrs. H. Simon Rubbels ? 

Clingie. Yes. He's writ me three of the loviest letters 
you ever saw. 

Mrs. H. But surely you ain't in love with him, are you? 
Clingie Vine, you orter have better sense. He's mean and 
stingy and clost as the paper on the wall. Everybody in 
Shantytown knows that. He's the man who tried -to keep 
James Scotland out'n the war. 

Serepty. He is, is he? Well, I guess he didn't succeed. 
Miss Vine, you take an old woman's advice and if Simon 
Rubbels. comes putterin' around after you, you give him a 
clout on the head with a rollin' pin. 

Clingie. Oh, I couldn't do that, when he thinks so much 
of me, too. I'm goin' to marry him as a sort of a experi- 
ment. Then ef I ain't satisfied I kin git a divorce. It's real 
fashionable to git a divorce once in a while. 

Serepty. Marriage is no holiday affair, Clingie, to be 
donned like a garment and then cast aside when the style 
changes. If you take him you got to take him for better 
or for worse. 

Mrs. H. And it'll be fer worse, as sure as I'm a livin' 
woman. 

Serepty. A man and his wife should jog along as 
harmoniously as the right hand and the left, that help each 
other and yet don't seem to know it. As the right hand 
and the right eye sympathize with the left, so should married 
folks sympathize with each other. 

Mrs. H. And harken to me, Clingie Vine, if you marry 
Simon Rubbels, you'll need all the sympathy you can get. 

Serepty. Are you in love with him, Clingie? 

Clingie. I dunno'z I'm what you might call in love with 
him, but I think he's got real nice manners. 

Mrs. H. Nice manners, cat's foot ! He's a red headed 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 31 

hippopotamus, Clingie Vine, if there ever was one on this 
green earth, and if you go Hstenin' to his soft soap you'll 
rue the day, mark my words, you'll rue the day. 

Clingie. But he writes lovely letters. I never did read 
sich lovin' feelings, not even in a novel book. He must be 
awful romantical. 

Serepty. I ain't seen him around here courtin' you none. 

Clingie. We ain't got that far yet. He ain't spoke a 
word to me with his mouth. All he's done is to write loving 
letters. 

Mrs. H. Well, you listen to me. Put them letters in the 
kitchen stove and send him about his business. 

Clingie (rises). Oh, I couldn't do that. I'm too tender 
hearted to cause him any pain. He's comin' over here to- 
night and I feel so romantical over Jameses wedding with 
Elsie that I've jest about decided to say yes. (Giggles.) 
Ain't I the silly little thing? 

Serepty. You certainly are. 

Clingie. I think it's most time for the bride and the 
groom to be coming home. vSeems to me it takes 'em a awful 
long time to git married. I hope the children don't cut up 
no tricks at the parson's. 

Serepty. Mollie Tubbs had orter left them children at 
home. A wedding at the minister's isn't any place for a 
passell of children. 

Clingie. I think I'd better put the tea kettle on. (Goes 
to door L.) A war time wedding is so romantical. (Sighs.) 
Ah, me ! It won't be many days until I'm having a wedding 
of my own. Me and Simon. (Giggles.) Oh, my maw al- 
ways said I'd marry a fat man and now I'm goin' to do it. 
Ain't I the silly little thing? (Giggles and exits L.) 

Serepty. I never saw a wedding yet that wasn't the start- 
ing point of two or three other weddings. 

Mrs. H. I'll bet Clingie Vine was makin' up all that talk 
about Simon Rubbels out of her own head. I don't believe 
he's goin' to marry her no more'n he's goin' to fly, and when 
Simon Rubbels flies I'm ready to give up my wings. 



Z2 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Serepty. Why don't you offer to board Clingie after 
Mollie goes to the country? 

Mrs. H. She's too romantical for me. She don't do 
nothin' but loll around the house and read novel books and 
spend her interest money. 

Serepty. What surprises me is that this Simon Rubbels 
comes a courtin' Clingie Vine when Mollie Tubbs is in the 
same house. It's a wonder he ain't after Mollie. 

Mrs. H. Humph ! Mollie Tubbs wouldn't marry him if 
he was the last man on earth and was worth a million. She 
can't stand him no more'n I kin. 

Serepty. Mollie's been a widder now fer four years and 
she's a wonderful woman. It allers was a surprise to me 
why she married Tubbs. She had plenty of chances when 
she was young. Why this here Major Pepper that we read 
so much about in the papers used to be Mollie's beau. 

Mrs. H. He did? Well, of all things ! And him the com- 
mander of the camp right here in town. Why Mollie might 
have been a rich lady. 

Serepty. Yes, she might. But she chose Tubbs and 
never regretted her choice. Folks say John Pepper was 
awful disappointed. That's why he joined the army, and 
now he's the boss of the whole camp and Mollie's a widder. 
I got a good notion to take her out to the camp tomorrow 
to see him. 

Mrs. H. Ain't he never got married ner nothin' in all 
these years? 

Serepty. No, he's still a bachelor and just a rollin' in 
money. Maybe if he learns that James Scotland is the son 
of his old sweetheart he'll make him a general or something. 
At any rate I'm going out to visit the camp. There's over 
two thousand men out there and they've got a regular little 
city, with streets and everything. How far out is it? 

Mrs. H. It's about five miles out on the Jimmerson road. 
I'd love to go out and see it myself but I never get a minute 
to myself. 

Enter Clingie from L. 

Clingie. They're comin'. I saw 'em out of the window. 



■ MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 33 

Oh, ain't it romantical? (Sings.) "Here comes the bride, 
here comes the bride !" 

Mrs. T. (heard outside at R.). Now all of you come right 
into the house. James, did you pay the driver? 

James (outside). Yes, indeed. 

Enter from R. Mrs. T., carrying Punky, followed by 
Scuffles and Billy, then Tim Graham a}id Oueenie, 
arm-in-arm, and after a slight pause James and Elsie, also 
arm-in-arm. 

Mrs. T. Come right in ! Oh, Aunt Serepty, it was the 
loveliest weddi.ng. (Removes bonnet and sJiaivl, assisted by 
]\Irs. H.) Ellen, I wish you could a been there. It was so 
solemn and James Scotland looked so handsome in his regi- 
mentals, and so did Elsie. I just cried fer joy. 

Billy. Oh, look at the table. What we goin' to have? 
A party? 

Scuffles. You bet we are. Got cake and pie and every- 
thing. I wisht James Scotland 'ud get married every day. 

James (to Elsie). Welcome home, Elsie. 

Clingie. Oh, I jest gotta kiss the bride. Congratula- 
tions, Mrs. Tubbs. (Shakes hands zvith Elsie and kisses 
her.) 

Elsie. Thank you. Miss Clingie. 

(Mrs. H. and Serepty are busy shaking hands with 
James and congratulating the bridal pair. Tim stands bash- 
fully by door R. All remove hats and zvraps.) 

QuEENiE. It was the loveliest wedding I ever saw, wasn't 
it, maw? 

Mrs. T. It certainly was. Oh, Mr. Graham, I most forgot 
you. I want to make you 'quainted with Miss Clingie Vine, 
our lady boarder. 

Clingie (goes to him, takes his hand). Oh, a soldier man, 
ain't that romantical? I jest love the military. Are you a 
single man? 

Tim Graham (bashfully). Yes, ma'am. I ain't never 
been married at all. 

Clingie (retaining his hand). Why, you poor thing. 



34 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Every young soldier goin' away to war had orter git married 
I'm real glad I met you. 

Tim (trying to pull hand azvay, but not too vigorously 
as he is too bashful). Nobody would have me. 

Clingie. Yes they would, too. There's plenty of us 
young girls who'd just love to be a soldier's wife. It's so 
romantical. (Shaking his hand.) I'm so glad I met you. 

Tim. Thank you. 

Clingie. How 'ud you like to have me knit you a nice 
little pink sweater? 

Tim. Oh, I dunno. 

Clingie (holding his hand). I'm going to do it! Now 
don't tell me that you won't wear it. I'll make it fer you 
with my own fair hands and when you are in the heat of 
battle and have on my little pink sweater you must think 
of me far away in Shanty town. 

Tim (piills hand aivay). All right; I'll think of you all 
right. 

Mrs. T. (at rear L. with children). My, my, Scuffles, 
how on earth do you get such dirty hands? 

Scuffles. I dunno, maw. They just come that way, 

Mrs. T. Well, you go right out to the kitchen sink and 
wash 'em. I ain't going to have no such looking hands at 
my wedding table. 

Scuffles (whines). Oh, maw, I hate washing hands 
worser'n poison. 

Mrs. T. Oh, ho, y' do, do you ? Well, you don't get nary 
a bite to eat less'n you wash your hands. You look like the 
spotted boy in the circus. Lemme look at you, Queenie 
Sheba. (Examines her.) 

Mrs. H. (at rear C. zvitJi James, Elsie and Serepty; 
they have been talking together in pantomime, as do the 
other groups). Well, James Scotland, I wish you well. 
You got a good little bride. Marriage ain't what it's cracked 
up to be and there ain't no tellin'how yours is goin' to turn 
out, but I wish you well all the same. I read about a soldier 
who married a gal last year and it wasn't more'n two months 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 35 

till they was both in the divorce court. Marriage ain't no 
picnic. ' I know, 'cause I've been married three times. 

Elsie. Why, Mrs. Hickey, you must have liked it or you 
wouldn't have tried it so often. 

Mrs. H. Liked it? No, ma'am! But the men jest 
wouldn't let me alone. I jist had to marry 'em to git rid 
of 'em. 

Clingie {dozvn R., talking to Tim). And I'll make you 
a red flannel thing to go round your throat, too. In case 
you ketch cold over there in the trenches. They say the 
beds is right damp sometimes. You'll write to me, won't 
you? 

Tim. Yes'm. I guess so. Maybe I will. You see, I 
ain't much hand at writing letters. 

ClinCiIE. Oh, you must. It'll be so romantical to re- 
ceive letters from a gallant soldier lad at the front. And 
I'll send you my photograph, jest as soon as I kin have some 
taken on a postcard. (Giggles.) Oh, ain't I the silly little 
thing ? 

Tim. Yes, ma'am. 

Clingie. What's that? 

Tim. I mean, no ma'am. Honest, I dunno what I do 
mean. (They talk.) 

Mrs. T. Why, Queenie Sheba Tubbs, just look at your 
nose ! 

Queenie. I can't, maw. How can I look at my nose? 

jMrs. T. It's got a black spot on it about a mile wide. 

Queenie. All right, maw, I'll wash it off. 

Scuffles. What, your nose? 

Queenie. No, smartie, the black spot. I always wash 
before I eat anyhow. The teacher says if we don't we're 
liable to get the food full of Germans and then they'll get 
inside of us and make us sick. 

Scuffles. Humph, I'll bet a German never could get in- 
side of me. 

Queenie. They can, too. Millions and millions of 'em, 
if you don't wash. The teacher said so. 



36 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Mrs. T. Well, I dunno about that, but there's the sink 
waitin' fer all of you, so start your boots. 

Scuffles. Maw, I d' want to. I washed this morning 
out at the horse trough. Honest, I did. Ears and all. 

Tim. I think I'd better wash a little, too. 

James. Me, too. Come on, Tim, I'll show you the sink. 
(They cross to L.) 

Clingie (to Mrs. H., li'ho has crossed down R. to her). 
Don't they look lovely in their uniforms? Oh, it 'ud be so 
romantical to be a soldier's sweetheart. 

Mrs. H. But suppose he'd go away to war and leave 
you. There wouldn't be anything romantical in that. 

Clingie. No, that 'ud be real pathetical. 

Tim. Excuse us. (James rn^d Tim go out at L.) 

]\Irs. H. Clingie Vine, I'm astonished at you. You was 
a flirtin' with that soldier man. Ain't you ashamed? I 
thought you was engaged to marry Simon Rubbels ! 

Clingie. Well, I ain't exactly engaged yet. He writ me 
a letter and said he was comin' over tonight. So I hain't 
engaged to him yet, and if IVIr. What's-his-name in there 
purposes to me first, why maybe I'll accept lihn. A soldier 
sweetheart is so romantical. 

Mrs. T. Elsie, honey, come in here in Clingie's room if 
you want to fix your hair before the wedding supper, al- 
though you're jest about perfect already. Honest, you're 
the sweetest bride I ever laid eyes on. 

Elsie. Oh, Mother Tubbs, you mustn't spoil me. Come 
along. (Goes out L. with ]\Irs. T. and Serepty.) 

Clingie. I think that young man is such a nice lookin' 
feller, don't you, Mis' Hickey? I'm goin' in my room and 
put some red paper roses in my hair. A wreath of red 
roses is awful romantical. Maybe he'll invite me out to 
see the training camp. I jest love soldiers. (Crosses to L.) 

Mrs. H. Clingie, if there's any chance fer you in the 
whole world except Simon Rubbels, you take my advice and 
grab it. I've been married three times and I know by bitter 
experience that Simon Rubbels won't make a good match. 
Far be it from me from talkin' about any man, but if ever 



I 



AIRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT Z7 

there was a red-headed rhinoceros walkin' around Shanty- 
town on two legs, he's the man. Mark well my words, 
Clingie Vine, he's the man. {Exits L. zvhile she is talking.) 

Clingie (talking to Mrs. H., zvIw has gone out at L.) 
\And yet he writes the loviest letters I ever saw. I never 
read anything so romantical. {Exits L.) 

QuEENiE. Did you hear that? 

Scuffles. She said he was coming over tonight. 

QuEENiE. I wonder what he'll say when he gets her let- 
ters. 

Scuffles. Yes, and I wonder what she'll say when she 
learns that it was you who writ to her and signed his name. 
I'll bet maw'll give you a good Hckin', Queenie Tubbs. 

Queenie. You did just as much as I did. It was your 
book I copied 'em out of. 

Scuffles. Don't tell maw about that book. It cost ten 
cents. I got it to learn how to make love to Miss Elsie and 
now she's married to James Scotland. She might a waited 
fer me. 

Queenie. We won't tell Miss Clingie that it was us who 
wrote them letters. 

Scuffles'. It wasn't us, it was you. 

Queenie. Well, I felt sorry for her. I wanted her to 
have a beau. And I didn't sign his full name to 'em. I 
just copied 'em out of the book and signed Simon. And 
you did as much as me. You smuggled 'em into her room 
and hid 'em in her knitting bag. 

Scuffles. Well, I won't tell if you don't. But why did 
you sign 'em at all? 

Queenie. What's the use of getting love letters if you 
don't know who they're from? 

Billy. Look at Punky Dunks. She's gone to sleep. 

Punky is asleep in her chair at rear L. 

Queenie. I'll put her to bed. Now remember, Scufifles 
Tubbs, if you tell a single word about them letters I'll tell 
Elsie and James Scotland that you bought a bottle of stuff 
at the drug store to make your mustache grow. 



38 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Scuffles. Don't you dast tell such a thing. It wasn't 
no good nohow. 

QuEENiE. I didn't mean any harm by writin' love letters 
to Miss Clingie. I just copied 'em out of the book ; but noAV 
she's taken it to heart and she expects Mr. Rubbels to come 
over tonight and ask her to marry him, just like I wrote 
in the letter. 

Scuffles. I wonder what Mr. Rubbels will do? 

QuEENiE. I dunno. He's got two or three letters from 
her. But if he comes tonight I want to see what happens. 

Scuffles. So do I. We'll get under the table. 

Billy. Me, too. 

QuEENiE. Hush, here comes the men. 

Enter James and Tim f7'om L. 

James. Scuffles, you take the children and wash up at 
the sink. Ain't you hungry? 

Scuffles. You bet I am. 

QuEENiE. Of course we are. 

Billy. Me, too. 

James. Then hurry and get all spruced up. (Queenie 
exits L. ivith PxjissKY.) 

Scuffles. I hate sprucing up worser'n poison. (Exits 
L. zvith Billy.) 

Tim. Say, James, I don't think I can stay for supper 
with you. I got to be getting back to the camp. 

James. I should say not. Why, what kind of a wedding 
supper could we have without the best man? You're not 
afraid of the old girl, are you? 

Tim. Say, she's a caution, ain't she? She's promised tc 
make me a sweater and a couple of pair of socks. I'd better 
go back to camp or I'll be a married man in spite of myself, 

James. Don't desert me on my wedding night. Be a 
good pal and stand by me. I won't let Miss Clingie kidnap 
you. 

Tim. Say, what's the matter with that old lady, anyway r 

James. Oh, she's just full of sentiment. 

Tim. Full of sediment? Gee, that's awful. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 39 

James. Not sediment, sentiment ! 
Tim. Oh! 

Enter Clingie from L. wearing tvrcath of red paper roses. 

Clingie. There you are! {Comes to Tim.) 

Tim {laughing). I was just laughing at James. I thought 
he said you was full of sediment. 

Clingie. Sir! {Very indignant.) 

Tim. But he didn't. He only said you was full of senti- 
ment. 

Clingie. Oh, that's different. And how true it is. Yes, 
indeed, dear sir. I'm awful romantical. {Giggles.) Some- 
times I think I'm awfully silly. 

Enter Mrs. T. from L., foUoived by Mrs. H., Elsie and 
Serepty. 

]\Irs. T. I was just givin' the finishing touches to the 
supper. It's all ready. James, the bride and groom must 
set at the head of the table. Right here, please. {They sit 
facing the audience.) 

Clingie. And where am I to set, IVIis' Tubbs? Me and 
this young man want to set together, don't we, Timmy? 

Mrs. T. You two can set there. {Points to R., they sit 
facing the L. entrance.) Now, Aunt Serepty, you and Mis' 
Hickey take the other seats and I'll wait on the table. 

Mrs. H. Mollie Tubbs, you set right down there. I'm 
going to wait on the table. I'm jest one of the neighbors 
and you're the bride's mother-in-law. 

Mrs. T. But I don't like to— 

Mrs. H. Don't argue, Mollie. There's your place. I've 
been married three times and I guess I've had plenty of 
practice in waitin' on folks. 

Mrs. T. But I've got to keep an eye on the children. 

Serepty. Queenie is putting Punky and Billy to bed and 
Scuffles is dishing up the ice cream. 

Mrs. T. He is. Then I'll bet we run short. He'll eat 
two dishes for every one he puts on the tray. 

James. Don't worry, maw. Let him have all he wants. 
Iwant everybody to be just as happy as I am tonight. 



40 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Clingie. Ain't that romantical? 

Mrs. H. I'll dish up the soup. {Exits L.) 

Serepty. Seems like somebody ought to say a word of 
two to the bride. 

Mrs. T. You talk to 'em, Aunt Serepty. 

Serepty. I ain't no hand at makin' speeches. You do it, 
Mollie. 

Mrs. T. {rises). Ladies and gentlemen — 

All {applauding). ■ Good, go on, go on. 

Mrs. T. This here is the happiest moment of my life. 
My boy James Scotland is going away to fight for his coun- 
try and his country's flag. He's enlisted, but before he goes 
he's decided to get married. 

James. Yes, and he acted on what he decided. 

Mrs. T. Tomorrow we're going to move out to the coun- 
try and I've got to bid my boy farewell. His. wife is going 
to go back to the hospital tonight and he's going back to 
the training camp, and it looks like the whole bunch of us 
was going to be separated, but we ain't. We ain't never 
going to be separated, for no matter where we are, no 
matter how far apart we may "be, me and the children out 
in Bitter Crick, the bride here in the city, and maybe James 
over there in the trenches of France, there is still a tie that 
binds us all together — the tie of love, and that is the strong- 
est tie on earth. Elsie and James and I are all one ; no mat- 
ter if we are scattered to the four ends of the earth, we're 
one 'cause we love each other, 'cause our hearts are bound 
up in each other, 'cause — 

{Sharp rap at door R. All look toward door.) 

James {rises). I'll see who it is, mother. {Goes to door 

Clingie. Maybe it's Simon Rubbels. I just can't get him 
out'n my mind. 

James opens the door mid admits Private Redd. 

Redd {at door R.). Private Tubbs? 
James. Yes, sir. That's my name. 
Redd. And Private Graham? 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 41 

Tim. Yes, sir. (Rises and stands with James at atten- 
tion.) 

Redd. Both of you men are on twenty-four hours leave ? 

James. Yes, sir. 

Redd. The leave is cancelled. You will both report at 
camp at once. 

IMrs. T. But he's having his wedding supper. Come in, 
mister, and join us. We don't know you, but that don't 
make any difiference. You're a soldier and that makes you 
welcome beneath this roof. ]My son James was just mar- 
ried this afternoon and we're just having a little supper to 
celebrate his happiness. Come in and set down. 

Redd. I'm sorry, madam, but I can't. I'm acting under 
orders. 

James. Wait till we get our hats and we'll be with you 
in a minute. (James and Tim put on Jiats, coats, etc.) 

Redd. You see it's this way. All men have been ordered 
back into camp and the camp is closed to all visitors. 

Clingie. Is that so? W^hy? 

Redd. Some German spies are thought to be in this 
vicinity. At least that's what I think. A man and a woman 
was out at the camp yesterday and they acted suspicious. 
Are you ready? 

James. Ready, sir. Good-bye, Elsie. (Kisses her.) And 
mother! (Kisses her.) 
■ Clingie (shaking hands with Tim). Oh, dear, there 
H ain't anyone to kiss me good-bye. Ain't it pathetical? 
WL^ Redd. All right. Fall in! (They fall in.) Forward, 
^fcnarch I (Redd, James and Tim march out at R.) 
^F Mrs. T. (follows them to -the door). Good-bye, honey. 
I'll take care of Elsie for you. Good-bye. (IVaz/es after 
them.) 

All (crowding to the door at R., waving hands). Good- 
night ! Good-bye ! 

Curtain. 



42 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Scene 2: The same as Act II, Scene i. The curtain is 
lowered but a few minutes. Remove the supper things from 
the table and put on a red cloth and lighted lamp. All other 
furniture the same as in the preceding scene. It is nozv 
8 p. m. 

At the rise of the curtain Mrs. T. is seated at table read- 
ing the Bible, Clingie sits at L. knitting sock and Serepty 
at R. knitting a soldier's siveater. 

Mrs. T. (reading). "The Lord hath wrought a mighty 
salvation for us. We got not this by our own sword, neither 
was it our own arm that saved us ; but thy right hand, and 
thine arm and the light of thy countenance, because thou 
hadst a favor unto us. 

"The Lord hath appeared for us ; the Lord hath covered 
our heads, and made us to stand in the day of battle. The 
Lord hath appeared for us ; the Lord hath overthrown our 
enemies, and dashed into pieces those that rose up against us. 

"Therefore, not unto us, O Lord, not unto us ; but unto 
thy name be given the glory. The Lord hath done great 
things for us, for which we rejoice. Our help standeth in 
the name of the Lord who hath made heaven and earth. 
Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth for- 
ever." 

Serepty (rises). Well, I think I'll be getting to bed. It's 
pretty near half-past eight and we've got to get an early 
start to the country in the morning. 

Mrs. T. The train leaves at ten o'clock. 

Serepty. That means that we'll have to get up at six. 
I believe in being forehanded. ' 

Clingie. I'll be skeerd to death staying all alone here in 
this house for the rest of the week. I suppose I'll be mar- 
ried some time next week. 

Mrs. T. I do hope Elsie got home all right. I'd orter 
gone with her. It gets dark so soon and she had to go clear 
across the city. I told James I'd take care of her and I'd 
never forgive myself if anything 'ud happen. 

Serepty. I'm going to set my alarm clock for half-past 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 43 

five. I'd mortally hate to have that train go ofif to Bitter 
Crick and leave us. (Crosses to door L.) Good-night, Moh 
lie. Good-night, Clingie. 

Mrs. T. Good-night. If there's anything you want. Aunt 
Serepty, just you call out. I put the alarm clock in your 
room, 

Serepty. Good-night. {Exit L.) 

Clingie. Oh, Mollie, I feel so nervous. Simon Rubbels 
is comin' over tonight and the fatal minute has almost ap- 
proached. Fer years I've been a single lady living all alone, 
but Simon has discovered me and I'm going to marry him 
or bust. 

Mrs. T. Now, Clingie, don't you do anything you'll be 
sorry for later on. 

Clingie. Oh, I won't be sorry. Folks say he's a hard 
man, but I'm going to reform him, 

Mrs. T, You can't do it. Take my advice, Clingie, and 
never marry a man to reform him. You can't make an 
omelette out of a bad egg, and a bad man's a hull lot worse. 

Clingie, But I couldn't call Simon Rubbels a real bad 
man. 

Mrs. T. Maybe he ain't as bad as he's painted, but there 
ain't no angel wings a-sproutin' out'n his shoulders, Clingie, 
and I've noticed that his breath smells a heap more like 
brimstone than it does like angel cake. 

Clingie, Yes, but he writes the loviest letters. Never 
in all my life have I read anything so romantical. How do 
I look this evening, Mis' Tubbs? {Funny pose, with right 
index finger placed to right cJieek.) 

Mrs. T, Jest like you always do. 

Clingie {disappointed). Oh, I thought my costoom set 
me ofif a little better than usual, I want to look real lan- 
guishing when Simon says the fatal words that'll make me 
his'n, I wonder if I orter have sump'm on my head. 

Mrs. T, You orter have a flaxseed poultice, that's what 
you orter have. 

Clingie. Why, Mis' Tubbs, I do believe you're jellix. 

Mrs. T, Who, me? Why, Clingie Vine, I wouldn't — 



44 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

(changes tone) but what's the use? What do you want on 
your head? 

Clingie. Oh, I think a lace drapery, or sump'm Hke that, 
'ud make me look kinder kittenish. 

Mrs. T. I got a lace tidy in my chest you can wear. 

Clingie. A lace tidy in your chest? Oh, that'll be so 
romantical. And would you lend me the loan of your kid 
gloves? They look so high-toned. 

Mrs. T. (rises). Come to my room, Clingie, and I'll fix 
you up as good as I can. (Exits L.) 

Clingie. I'm so anxious to make a good impression on 
Mr. Rubbels. Men allers like us girls to be all fussed up. 
(Giggles.) Oh, Clingie, Clingie, ain't you the giddy little 
thing? (Exits L.) 

There is a pronounced pause, then enter Scuffles and 
Queenie from L., zvearing night-gozvns. They peek in be- 
fore they make their entrance, then sneak dozun C. 

Scuffles. He ain't come yet. I'm going to hide under 
the table. 

Queenie. Where's the book? 

Scuffles (finds paper-hack hook under table cloth). 
Here it is. I keep it hid. 

Queenie. Give it to me. I want to see if they talk like 
it says in the book. I ain't never heard lovers talk. 

Scuffles (gets under table). I hope maw don't catch us. 

Queenie (looking at the book). Oh, Scuffles, this book 
tells how to propose and everything. It's just grand. 

Mrs. T. (speaks outside at L.). Now, Clingie, you look 
out of sight. 

Queenie drops hook on floor and hurries under the table. 
Enter Mrs. T., followed by Clingie. 

Clingie. Oh, I feel so nervous. 

Mrs. T. What makes you so sure he's coming over to- 
night, Clingie? 

Clingie. He wrote such a nice letter and gave it to 
Scuffles to give to me. So I wrote back and told him to come 
tonight. I said you were going to Bitter Crick tomorrow, 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 45 

and that if he meant business to call on me tonight, that I 
was all ready to give him his answer. Oh, I'm so nervous. 
(Knock heard on door at R.) 

Mrs. T. That must be Simon Rubbels now. 

Clingie. Oh, it is, it is! Be still, my little fluttering 
heart, be still. How do I look? 

Mrs. T. You look all right. Shall I go to the door? 

Clingie. If you please. (Sits at L. and poses.) Oh, I'm 
[so nervous. 

I Mrs. T. goes to the door at R., opens it and admits Mrs. H. 

Mrs. H. Oh, Mis' Tubbs, Mis' Tubbs ! 

Mrs. T. Ellen Hickey, what's the matter? You're as pale 
as a ghost. 

Mrs. H. It's Jameses wife, Elsie ! I was over at the gro- 
cery store and they telephoned to you. She's run over by 
a motor truck. 

Mrs. T. Elsie run over? 

Mrs. H. She won't live till morning. 

Clingie (standing). Oh, my nerves, my nerves!. 

Mrs. T. Keep quiet, Clingie. .Where is Elsie, Mrs. 
Hickey ? 

Mrs. H. They telephoned from the Mercy Hospital. She 
can't live till morning. It happened when she was going 
home. She got off'n the street car and a motor truck was 
going at full speed. It hit her. Oh, Mis' Tubbs, what you 
going to do? 

Mrs. T. Clingie, get my bunnet and shawl. Quick ! (Exit 
Clingie at L.) 

Mrs. H. Her body's all crushed, but she's in her right 
mind. The doctor at the hospital told me all about it. She 
wants her husband. 

Mrs. T. I know, I know. Hurry, Clingie. 

Enter Clingie from L. zvith bonnet and shazvl. 

Clingie (helping Mrs. T. put on bonnet and shazvl). Oh. 
the poor young thing. And only married this afternoon. 
Mrs. H. Are you going to the hospital? 



46 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Mrs. T. (at C). No. I'm going to the training camp.' 
She wants James. There's plenty of doctors and nurses at 
the hospital. What she wants is her husband. 

Clingie (at L.). But you can never get way out to the 
training camp at this time of night. 

Mrs. T. I'll get there. I promised my boy I'd take care 
of her and now she's hurt, maybe dying. 

Mrs. H. Why, the camp is miles away, Mollie. You'll 
never get there tonight. And it looks like rain. 

Mrs. T. I seem to hear her calling for him. Calling for 
her husband, and it 'ud break his heart if he didn't get to 
see her. 

Clingie. But you'll get lost. 

Mrs. T. I'm trusting in the Lord, Clingie. He'll lead me 
to my boy. 

]\Irs. H. (at R.). Here's a five dollar bill. I'll lend it 
to you. Get a taxicab. 

Mrs. T. (takes it). God bless you, Ellen. Don't worry, 
Clingie. I'll be back before morning. 

Mrs. H. I'll go with you as far as the corner, (Exits R. 
with Mrs. T.) 

Clingie. Oh, what a disaster. I'm all of a tremble and 
feel kind of fainty. (Sinks in chair at L.) The poor yoimg 
thing! Just married this afternoon and run over by a motor 
truck. 

Knock heard at door R. CLiNGiE^or.? to door and admits 
Simon. 

Simon. Evening. 

Clingie. Evening, Mr. Rubbels. Oh, have you heard 
the news? 

Simon. What news? 

Clingie. Mrs. Tubbses boy Jameses wife was run over 
and killed by a motor truck tonight and she's gone out to 
camp to git him to go and see her and she said — 

Simon. Say, what you talking about? 

Clingie. It was an accident. The little trained nurse 
was run over by a motor truck and nearly killed. 

Simon. The gal who married James today? 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 47 

Clingie. Yes, sir. She's the one. But lemme take your 
hat and coat. I'm so rattled I'm ahnost forgettin' my 
manners. 

Simon. It ain't necessary to take my hat and coat. What 
I got to say is short, sweet and to the point. What I want 
to know is this. What are you writin' me such crazy kind 
of letters fur? Have you gone clean crazy all of a sudden, 
or are you trying to git me mixed up in some lawsuit? I 
dunno what it is, but I won't have it. 

Clingie. Why, Simon — 

Simon. My name is Rubbels, Miss Vine. Mr. Simon 
Rubbels. 

Clingie. I know it is. But after the way you wrote to 
me I thought — 

Simon (interrupts) . I wrote to you? What you talking 
about? I never wrote to you in my life. 

Clingie. What? Never wrote to me? 

Simon. What 'ud I be writin' to you fer, I'd hke to 
know. 

Clingie. In your last letter you wanted to marry me. 

Simon. What? Marry you? Who did? Who did? 

Clingie. You did, and well you know it. I got the letter 
to prove it. You called me your darling little Clingie. 

Simon. I never. I see what it is. It's a blackmail. 
You're trying to blackmail me. 

Clingie. I ain't trying nothing, Simon Rubbels. Didn't 
you write me a parcel of loving letters? Some of 'em you 
put in my knitting-bag and some of 'em you gave to Scuf- 
fles Tubbs to give to me. Now, didn't you? 

Simon. I did not. Most emphatically I did not. I never 
writ you a letter in my life. And I never writ a love letter 
to nobody. 

Clingie. Then you ain't got serious intentions toward 
the holy wedlocks of matrimony? 

Simon. I should say not. A widower who gits married 
agin don't deserve to lose his first wife. Somebody's been 
stringing you. I ain't aimin' to marry nobody. Lemme see 
them letters. 



48 MRS. fuBBS DOES HER BIT 

Clingie. I dunno as I orter. Maybe it's some other 
Simon who's in love with me. 

Simon. Was they signed Simon Rubbels? 

Clingie. No, they was signed, "Adoringly yours, until 
death do us part, your own affectionate, Simon." That's all. 

Simon. That's enough. I should think you could tell 
by looking at me that I Avouldn't write sech truck as that. 
Do I look adoringly yours ? Do I look like your aft'ectionate 
Simon ? 

Clingie. No, I can't say as you do. You ain't romantical 
enough. 

Simon. I should say not. There ain't nothing roman- 
tical about me. But I'd like to see them letters all the same. 

Clingie. I've got 'em in my trunk. All tied with pink 
baby ribbon. I'll get 'em. But you might as well set down 
and be seated whilst waiting. 

Simon. Don't keer if I do. (Sits at R.) 

Clingie. Maybe you're more romantical than you think 
you are. (Giggles.) Ain't I the silly little thing? (Exit L.) 

Simon. Humph ! I never writ no letters to that old maid, 
and I ain't goin' to, ef the court knows itself, and I reckon 
it do. (Sees book on the floor, drop/^ed by Queenie.) 
Hello, what's this? (Picks it n p.) A novel book. (Puts on 
spectacles and reads title laboriously.) "How to Woo and 
Win, with Fifteen Letters of Love." Humph ! Maybe that's 
where she got the idee. (Reads in book.) "My own dar- 
ling dewdrop." (Speaks.) Darling dewdrop ! That's enough 
to give a pig the dyspepsia. (Looks at book, muttering to 
Jiimself. : Queenie and Scuffles peek at him from under 
the table.) 

Enter Clingie from L. zvith letters. 

Clingie. Now, Simon Rubbels, I have the proof. (Dra~ 
matically.) At last I have found the papers! 

Simon. I dunno nothin' about no papers. 

Clingie. Here's the letters that are signed with your 
name. (Shozvs him one.) Look at that! It's signed "with 
a million kissdrops, your little sugar lump, Simon !" And 
it starts out "My own darling dewdrop." 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 49 

Simon. My own darling dewdrop? 

Clingie (leans up against him). Are you making love 
to me ? Oh, Simon ! 

Simon. • No, I ain't. Does that letter start, "My own 
darling dewdrop"? (Looks at the book.) 

Clingie (looks at the letter)-. It does. 

Simon (reading book). "Your love is like the mighty 
ocean with a kiss on every wave." 

Clingie. That's it word fer word. You know it by 
heart. 

Simon. It's in the book. 

Clingie. What book? 

Simon. This one. I found it here on the floor. Some- 
body's been copying love letters out'n this book and sendin' 
'em to you signed with my name. 

Clingie. That book belongs to Scuffles Tubbs. I saw 
him have it. 

Simon. Ah, ha ! And he gave you the letters, too, didn't 
he? 

Clingie. Yes, but he said they came from you. (PatJiet- 
ically.) Didn't they? Oh, Simon, have I learned to love and 
all in vain? 

Simon. It's that boy's fault. Wait till I ketch him, that's 
all. 

(Clingie and Simon are standing at R. Scuffles is un- 
der the table, visible to the audience. Suddenly he sneezes.) 

Clingie. What was that? 

Simon. What was what? T didn't hear nothing. 

(Scuffles sneezes again, Queenie drags him under the 
table, out of sight of audience.) 

Clingie. There, didn't you hear that? 

Simon. I heerd something under that table. 

Clingie. It must 'a' been the cat. 

Simon. It was a sneeze. Did y' ever hear a cat sneeze? 

Clingt-e (clings to him) . Oh, Simon, I'm skeerd. Maybe 
its burglars or ghostesses' er sump'm. 

Simon (advancing tozvard table). Well, I'm going to see 
what it is. 



50 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Clingie (pulls him back to R. by coat-tails). Don't you 
do it, Simon. Maybe you'll be shot in the fracas. 

Simon. I ain't never been shot in a fracas yet. There's 
sump'ni under that table and I'm going to have it out. 

Clingie. No, no. (Drags him to R.) Fer my sake, 
Simon, don't risk yourlife. 

Simon. Lemme alone. (Jerks azvay from her, goes to 
table, bends over, looking under table, his feet zvide apart.) 
Now you come out er I'll come under there and git you. 

(Scuffles crazvls betzveen his feet and rushes to L.) 

Clingie (shrieks). Oh, it's a ghost, it's a ghost! 
(Screams loudly and sinks in chair at R., kicking feet itp 
and dozvn and screaming.) 

Simon (gets up, runs after Scuffles^ zvho dodges around 
the chair at R.). I'll get ye, I'll get ye. 

Scuffles. You lemme alone. Maw, maw ! 

(Simon cJiases him around chair at R., Scuffles runs to 
L. and dodges around table, Simon after him.) 

Clingie (rises and comes C). Help, fire, police, murder! 

(Scuffles gets back of Clingie and holding her betzveen 
Jiimself and Simon, dodges around her. At last Simon 
catches Scuffles at C.) 

Simon. I've got ye ; I've got ye. 

Queenie (rolls out from under table). You let my 
brother alone. Don't you dasst to touch him. (Jumps at 
SiMON''s back, pulling him azvay from Scuffles^ zvho jumps 
dozvn off the stage into the audience.) 

Clingie. Oh, it's another one. It's a pair of ghostesses, 
(Faints in chair at L. with a loud scream.) 

(Scuffles runs up the aisle of the audience, pursued by 
Simon, zvho jumps from stage and rushes after him.) 

Queenie. Oh, I'm going to faint, I'm going to faint. 
(Screams and falls on top of Clingie.) 

Simon. I got ye. (Catches Scuffles and leads him to 
stage.) 

Scuffles. I didn't write the old letters. Queenie writ 
'em. Queenie writ every word out'n my book. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 51 

Clingie. You did? (Turns Queenie over her knee, re- 
moves slipper and spanks her, Queenie yelling.) 

(Simon sits at R., turns Scuffles over his knee, removes 
slipper and spanks him. ) 

Quick Curtain. 



Act III. 

Scene : The Military Camp at midnight. The stage is 
very dark during the entire action of this act, and scenery 
is not necessary, simply a dark-covered clothes-horse or 
two screens zvifh dark drapery over them, any dark cover- 
ing, in fact, zvill ansiver for background and sides. 

Tent dozvn R. This may be simulated by a zvire running 
across stage about three feet back of footlights and six feet 
above the floor; on this zvire attach a zvhite sheet, tack the 
bottom of the sheet to the floor, about half a foot back of 
the footlights, and you have a fairly good imitation of a . 
tent. In front of the tent at R. C. sets a keg zvith a burning 
candle on it and back of it a camp-stool. 

Another tent may be at rear L., but this is not necessary. 
Footlights out, also all other lights, except one blue-shaded 
(zvith tissue paper) light that shines from behind the scenes 
at R. 

The curtain rises on an empty stage. After a pause, 
[James^ dressed in uniform and carrying a rifle zvith fixed 
\bayonet, enters from rear R. and marches across stage at 
^ear, exits rear L. He is performing sentry duty. After 
\a slight pause, he re-enters from rear L., marches dozvn to 
\tent and stands in front of tent at "attention." A noise is 
\heard off stage at L. i E. 

James (levels rifle). Halt! Who goes there? 
Redd (off stage at L. i E.). Friends! 
James (lozvering rifle). Advance, friends, and give the 
[countersign ! 



52 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Enter from L. i E. Redd, a)id Tim fro7ii L. i E. Redd 
marches up to James, salutes and iviiispcrs something in 
his ear. Tim does Hkezvise. James resumes sentry duty 
at rear of stage, marching from R. to L. at rear, going off 
stage each time and entering a few seconds later. 

Tim (dozvn R. zvith Redd). James is having a hard time 
of it, he is. Sentry duty all night and him just married 
this afternoon. That's what I call tough. 

Redd. Tough it is ; but anyone who thinks a soldier's 
life in a training camp is a snap, well, they've got another 
think coming. Our muskets don't get much actual exer- 
cise, but our picks and shovels don't get much rest. 

Tim. Look, there's a light in Major Pepper's tent. 
(Points to R.) 

Redd. He's keeping late hours, ain't he? Worried about 
that report that there's been spies around the camp, I reckon. 
And then being commander of a military camp of ten thou- 
sand men ain't no soft job. 

Tim. Where did you get that dope about spies being 
around here? 

Redd. An old man and woman visited the camp yester- 
day and tried to take some pictures. They acted innocent 
enough, but you can't tell. Captain Page saw them trying 
to take the pictures and took the camera away from them. 

Tim. Is that all he did? If it had been me, I'd put them 
behind the bars sure enough. 

Redd. So would the Major, but he wasn't here. The 
Captain allowed 'em to escape, but it's caused an awful stir 
in- camp. 

Tim. I'll bet Major Pepper was up on his ear. 

Redd. He was. I tell you there was something doing 
as soon as he struck the camp. He sent out a squad to 
round up every man out on leave. 

Tim. Yes, that's how you got us. Tubbs had just got 
married and I was his best man. 

Redd. Who'd he marry? 

Tim. The prettiest little trained nurse you ever saw. 
Young lady by the name of West. 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 53 

Redd. Yeah, I saw her at the house. She was a good 
looking Httle queen, wasn't she? Say, that old one kind of 
had her eye on you, didn't she? 

Tim. She sure did. She's forty-three and desperate, and 
her name is Clingie Vine. Believe me, she's just as clingie 
as her name. If you hadn't pulled us away when you did, 
she'd a had me strapped to the hitchin' post in front of a 
minister, putting a ring on her finger and murmuring "I 
will" to the parson. Bunkie, that was a lucky escape. 

Redd. What time is it? It must be nearly midnight. 

Tim (looks at zurist watch). It lacks ten minutes of 
twelve. 

Redd. We'd better sneak back. If the corporal catches 
us, it'll be the dog-watch tomorrow. 

Tim. Twelve o'clock and we've got to get up at five. 
Gee, I think a lot of my old Uncle Sam to do all this for 
him. 

Redd. It's made a man of you. (Crosses to rear R.) 
Come o-n. Easy now ! Don't make any noise. 

Tim. Gee, it's a dark night. No moon er nothin'. Good 
night fer spies er sump'm like that. (Exit rear R.) 

Redd. Sh! Look out where you're going. (E.vit rear 

■^ Pause. Enter Mrs. T. from L. i E. 

Mrs. T. There don't seem to be anyone about. It must 
be after midnight. Of course the boys are all asleep by this 
time. God bless 'em ! God bless every one of 'em, every 
boy who wears the khaki, on land or tossing on the waves 
of the ocean, or over there in the trenches fightin' fer their 
country and their flag. Fightin' and maybe dying! God 
bless 'em and send 'em safe home ! (Looks around.) This 
is the camp. That must have been the gate I came in. 
(Looks to L.) It's just like a big city with streets and every- 
thing and rows and rows and rows of tents. I'll have to 
wake one of 'em up I reckon and ask where James is. 
(Crosses to tent at R.) I kind of hate to do it, 'cause they 
don't get any too much sleep nohow, but I got to find James, 
I got to find my boy ! 



54 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Enter from rear R. James, acting as sentry. He marches 
down C. 

James {to Mrs. T., zvho has started to exit at R.). Halt! 
Who goes there? 

Mrs. T. (comes tozvard him). Excuse me, sir; I didn't 
see you. 

James. Mother ! 

Mrs. T. (throws arms around him). James! I've been 
huntin' fer you since eight o'clock. 

James. What's the matter? What's happened? What 
are you doing here? 

Mrs. T. Go over there and set down and I'll tell you. 

James. I can't. I'm on sentry duty. 

Mrs. T. Sentry duty 1 

James. Yes, I've got to march up and down here from 
that tree yonder (points to rear R.) to the gate there. 
(Points to rear L.) I've got to keep it up until I'm relieved 
at two o'clock. You can't stay in here, maw. You've got 
to go at once. What do you want? 

Mrs. T. Oh, James, it's about Elsie. 

James (sharply). Elsie? What's happened to Elsie? 

Mrs. T. She's met with an accident, James. Tonight 
just after dark when she was going home (pauses, then 
speaks half-crying) a terrible accident, and on her wedding 
day, too — 

James. What was it? She ain't — (pauses, looks at her). 

Mrs. T. (after pause). No, son, she ain't dead. God is 
good. But she was run over by a motor truck just as she 
got ofif the street car. 

James (aghast). Run over by a motor truck? My little 
girl? I thought you promised me you'd look after her. You 
did. You promised me you'd look after her. 

Mrs. T. I know it. But she insisted on going home. 
She's at the Mercy Hospital. She keeps calling fer you all 
the time. Calling fer her husband. Mrs. Hickey said she 
can't last till morning. 

James. Calling for me? And me here five miles away 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 55 

from her, here on sentry duty. -I can't leave. Don't von 
see how it is? I can't get away. 

Mrs. T. Yes, you can. I borrowed some money from 
Mis' Hickey and I've got a carriage waitin' fer you. I 
couldn't get a automobile. It's over there in front of the 
gate. Hurry, James, hurry ! 

James. But I can't go. I can't leave my post. I'd be a 
deserter. And Elsie is calling for me ! And can't last mitil 
morning. Oh, what can I do? What can I do? 

Mrs. T. Here, ca'm down and listen to me. You go 
over there and take that carriage and go to your wife. This 
ain't no time to argue. Every minute is precious. I'm your 
mother. You do as I tell you ! 

James. I can't do it. I can't leave my post. The first 
thing a soldier learns is to obey orders and I've got to stay 
here until I'm relieved. 

Mrs. T. Then you can't go to her. Oh, James, she's call- 
ing for you — 

James. Don't, mother, don't. (Crosses to stool and sits 
by keg.) I can't leave my post. The whole camp is asleep 
— I can't get away. And my wife is dying. My little Elsie. 
(Puts head on keg and weeps.) 

Mrs. T. There ain't no two ways about it, James Scot- 
land Tubbs, you got to go ! 

James. You'd have me desert my post? Disobey the or- 
ders of my superior officer? I can't do it. My country first ! 

Mrs. T. No, boy, humanity first. Your wife is there 
injured, dying maybe. Go to her. I'll take your place. 

James. You? 

Mrs. T. You are struggling between love and duty, 
son. I am a woman and I know that little Elsie needs you 
more than anything else on earth. Then go to her. Take 
the carriage and go at once. 

James. But my duty as sentry? 

Mrs. T. I'll take care of that. Give me that cap and 
that overcoat. (Puts them on, throiving her shawl and bon- 
net inside tent at R. i E.) I'm only an old woman, son, 
but I guess I can march up and down here until two o'clock 



56 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

as well as you can. Hurry up ! Don't stand there looking 
at me. Every minute is precious. I've made up my miiid, 
and when Mollie Tubbs makes up her mind the hull United 
States army and navy to boot can't unmake it. Gimme that 
rifle. There, I reckon I'm doing my bit for humanity and 
my native land ! 

James. God bless you, mother, God bless you ! (Rushes 
out at L. I E.) 

Mrs. T. He will, my boy! Make haste! {Marches up 
and dozvn from R. to L.) My, my, I never thought I'd live 
to see the day when I'd be a regular marching soldier in 
the United States army. I reckon I'm the first woman sol- 
dier who's ever been on sentry duty in a real army camp. 
But it's for Elsie's sake, for James and Elsie ! She needs 
him and Uncle Sam needs me, and here I am guarding an 
army camp at midnight ! Mollie Tubbs, I'm proud of ye. 
What 'ud the neighbors in Shanty town say if they could 
see me now? Miss Clingie 'ud have a fit and Simon Rub- 
bels 'ud try to have me arrested. But I'm doing my bit 
for my country, I reckon. Mrs. Tubbs is doing her bit. 
(Marches dozvn to L. i E.) 

Voice (off stage at L. i E.). Halt, who goes there? 

Mrs. T. (in gruff voice). Private Tubbs on sentry duty! 
(Turns and marches to rear R., then hack to C. and dozvn 
stage.) 

Enter Major Pepper from rear R. He comes dozvn in 
front of tent. 

Mrs. T. (presents bayonet at him). Halt, who goes there? 

Major Pepper. Major Pepper, in command of the camp. 

Mrs. T. Oh, all right. I didn't recognize you. (Starts 
out rear L.) 

Major. Halt ! 

Mrs. T. Are you speaking to me? 

Major. Who are you? 
• Mrs. T. Private Tubbs on sentry duty ! 

Major. Advance five paces. 

Mrs. T. Huh? 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 57 

Major. Are you deaf or drunk? I said advance five 
paces. 

Mrs. T. I dunno how. 

Major (strides to her, gras/^s her by the arm, pulls her 
to light of the candle). A woman! What are you doing 
here? 

Mrs. T. You see it's this way, ]\Iajor ! Private Tubbs 
is my son — 

Major. Silence ! Ho, Redd, Graham ! 

Enter Redd and Tim after short pause from rear R. 
They are in shirt sleeves, hut carry rifles. 

Redd (saluting Major). Yes, sir? 

Major. Arrest that woman ! 

Redd. Woman? (Surprised.) 

Major. I caught her inside the Hnes, disguised in a imi- 
form. 

]\Irs. T. But I ain't disguised. I was only taking James' 
place — 

Major (tensely). Silence! Take her to the guardhouse. 
At once ! 

(Redd and Tim salute and drag Mrs. T. off at rear R.) 

Mrs. T. But it's all a mistake. I was just taking my 
boy's place while he went to the hospital ! It's all a mis- 
take. (She is dragged off at R.) 

Major. The woman is a spy. I'll make an example of 
her, if it's my last act on earth! 

Quick Curtain. 

Scene 2: The same as Act I. Time, the next morning 
at 8 o'clock. Stage is arranged in order as at the beginning 
of Act I. Serepty is discovered at rise of curtain seated 
down L. C, dressed in black, zvearing traveling coat and 
hat suitable for an old lady. She wears black gloves and 
has a neat umbrella in her hand. Tzvo neat grips are in 
front of her. 

Serepty (looks at zvatch). Eight o'clock and I've been 
up and dressed and ready fer my train since six. And the 



58 MRS. "fUBBS DOES HER BIT 

train leaves at ten sliarp. Mollie Tubbs must be sleepin' 
the sleep of the Seven Sleepers, 'cause I knocked and 
knocked and knocked and can't get her up no ways. 
Enter Scuffles from L. 

Scuffles {brightly). Good morning, Aunt Serepty. 

Serepty. Morning, Scuffles. I'm glad you're out at last. 
Where's your maw and the rest of the children? 

Scuffles. They're washing at the sink, all 'cept maw. 
She ain't here. 

Serepty {rises in alarm). Ain't here? What do you 
mean? Why, it's after eight and the train leaves at ten. 
Where is she? 

Scuffles. I dunno. She ain't been home all night. 

Serepty. Why, Scuffles Tubbs, whatever's become of 
'^^r* Enter Clingie from L. 

Clingie. Good morning. 

Serepty. Clingie, what's become of Mollie? She ain't 
been here all night. 

Clingie. Oh! {Sinks in chair at L., almost fainting.) 
She's been kidnapped, she's been stolen away. Elsie's killed 
and Mollie's been kidnapped and my heart's broke in twain 
by the perfidity of man. Oh, sorrowful day, sorrowful day ! 
{Leans hack, closes her eyes and moans.) 

Serepty {shaking her head). Elsie killed? What do 
you mean? 

Clingie. She was run over by a motor truck last night. 
Right on her wedding night. Ain't that awful? Run over 
and killed stone dead before you could say Jack Robinson. 
And she kep' callin' fer her husband and Alollie went after 
him. And now she's been killed, too. And Simon Rubbels 
didn't want to marry me after all. {Leans hack as before, 
groans.) Oh, sorrowful day, sorrowful, sorrowful day! 

Serepty. Clingie Vine, don't you dasst to faint. You 
straighten up like a livin' woman and tell me what happened. 
Was Elsie run over? 

Enter Mrs. H. frorn R. 

Mrs. H. What's the news? 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 59 

Sereptv. Alollie Tnbbs ain't been home all night and 
Clingie says that Elsie was killed. 

Mrs. H. She wasn't killed, but she was run over and is 
at the Mercy Hospital. I just telephoned out there and 
they said James was with her and that she was resting easy. 

Serepty. And the train leaves at ten o'clock. Where do 
you suppose Mollie is? 

Mrs. H. She went out to the training camp after James. 

Clingie. And she's been kidnapped and held up and 
robbed and murdered. Oh, sorrowful day ! 

Mrs. H. Scuffles, you go and get the children and come 
over to my house to breakfast. 

Scuffles. Oh, my maw's been killed and held up and 
robbed and murdered. Oh! (Cries loudly.) 

Enter Queenie, Billy and Punky from L. 

Mrs. H. Here, here, don't you start takin' on. Queenie, 
you get your hat and wrap the children up and come with 
me. 

Queenie. What for? We're going to move to the coun- 
try today. 

Mrs. H. You're coming over to my house to breakfast. 

Scuffles (crying). Oh, my maw's been murdered — 

Mrs. H. You hush that noise, Scuffles Tubbs. Your 
maw is plenty :.ble to take care of herself. I've got sausage 
and buckwheat cakes and honey fer breakfast. If you don't 
come along you won't get none. 

Scuffles. Sausage and buckwheat cakes ? Lead me to it ! 

Mrs. H. Come right along with me. Clingie, if you get 
any news about Elsie or IMollie, you run right over and tell 
me. Come along, you children. (Leads children out at R.) 

Serepty. Well, I reckon I'd better unpack my things. 
If Elsie's been hurt I know Mollie and I are needed here 
in Shantytown a heap more'n we are at Bitter Crick. First 
I'll clean up the kitchen. Have you had breakfast, Clingie? 

Clingie. Yes, Mrs. McDougal. I ain't got no appetite 
since I've been so cruelly deceived by the perfidiousness of 
Simon Rubbels. 

Serepty. I thought he was coming to marry you. 



60 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Clingie. It was all a mistake. He never writ them lovin' 
letters at all. It was Queenie Slieba. Ain't that awful. I 
gave her a good spankin', I tell you. 

Serepty. You orter give her a hundred dollars if she 
kept you from getting married to Simon Rubbels. (Crosses 
to L.) Well, I'm going to rid up the kitchen. {Exits L.) 

Clingie. I dunno but what she's right. I never did like 
Simon Rubbels much nohow, him being kinder fat and with 
a mustache. I got a notion to run over to the drug store 
and call up the hospital and find out how Elsie is now. 

Knock on door at R. Clingie opens door and admits 
Major. 

Major (looks sharply around). Who lives in this house? 

Clingie. I do. Miss Clingie Vine. Won't you set down 
and be seated? 

Major. No time for that. Are you the proprietor here ? 

Clingie. Oh, no. I'm just a lady boarder. Mrs. Tubbs 
lives here. 

Major. German woman? 

Clingie. No, sir. I'm a United Stateser, born and bred. 
My paw's name was Vine and (proudly) my maw was a 
Hamm, a Virginia Hamm. 

Major. I was asking about Mrs. Tubbs. 

Clingie (disappointed). Oh. She ain't a German, either. 
She's a Missouri lady and has been all her life. 

Major. Where is she now? 

Clingie. Indeed and I don't know. That's what we've 
all been asking all the morning. You see Elsie was rvui 
over and injured by a motor car having run into her last 
night, just after she'd been married, too. Ain't that pa- 
thetical ? 

Major. Who is Elsie? 

Clingie. She's a trained nurse with a red cross on her 
sleeve. She married Mrs. Tubbses son James yesterday 
afternoon, him being a soldier out at the camp. 

Major. A soldier, eh? James Tubbs. Yes, yes, I re- 
member him. 

Clingie. And his mother is Mrs. Tubbs, who lives here, 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 61 

her being a perfect lady and as good a washwoman' as there 
is in Shantytown, if you're looking for someone to wash for 
you. She does both kinds, both plain and fancy, and her 
price is as reasonable as most, though she's gone up a little 
on account of the war they're having. 

Major. Why did she visit the training camp last night 
at midnight? 

Clingie. That's^ what I'm trying to tell you. You see 
when Elsie was run over by the motor truck Mrs. Hickey 
come running in here — 

Major (interrupting). And who is INIrs. Hickey? 

Clingie (innocently). Don't you know Ellen Hickey? 
Her husband is a street cleaning gentleman and she's been 
married three times, which maybe accounts for her dislike 
to Simon Rubbels and her calling him a red-headed hippo- 
potamus, which of course he ain't, although him and me's 
had a misunderstanding owing to Queenie writing me lov- 
ing letters and signing his name to 'em. Anyhow, Mrs. 
Hickey says to Mis' Tubbs, says she, "Elsie's been run over 
by a motor truck !" Them was her very words. I remember 
distinctly because I once had a cousin in Jefiferson City, 
Missouri, who owned a pool hall, and his brother was like- 
wise run over and injured right by his corn patch two miles 
out in the country. 

Major. Why was Mrs. Tubbs at the camp last night ? 

Clingie. To git her son, him being a soldier out there 
and also him being the bridegroom of Elsie, who was run 
over by the motor truck. And if she'd a taken my advice 
she'd a stayed here all night and not a went galavantin' 
round the outskirts of the town. 

Major. Who, Mrs. Tubbs? 

Clingie. No, Elsie. 

Major. Then Mrs. Tubbs went to the camp last night 
to tell her son that his wife had been injured. 

Clingie. Yes, sir. That's the how of it. And we ain't 
seen her since. And if she's alive this day she orter thank 
her stars. The camp is five miles outer town and she went 



62 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

all alone in the dark, her being a woman who knoweth not 
the meaning of the word fear. 

Enter Serepty from L. 

Major. I can't make head nor tail of what you're trying 
to tell me. Perhaps this lady — 

Serepty {coming dozen R. to Major). John Pepper! 
Well, well, well ! 

Major. It's Serepty ]\IcDougal. (Shakes hands zvarmly.) 
What are you doing here in town? 

Serepty. I'm visiting Mollie Tubbs, my niece by mar- 
riage. You remember Mollie, don't you? She used to be 
Mollie Walters. 

Major. MolHe Walters? 

Serepty. Yes. 

Major. Is that who visited the training camp last night? 

Serepty. Yes. Have you seen her? 

Major. In the dark only, and I didn't recognize her. 

Serepty. Why, John Pepper, I never thought it could 
be too dark for you to recognize Mollie Walters. You and 
her. used to be sweethearts twenty-five years ago. 

Major. Mollie Walters ! Why, I had no idea she was in 
this part of the country. I thought she moved to Florida 
when she married Tubbs. 

Serepty. She did. But they moved back to Missouri 
sixteen years ago. She's been a widow nearly four years 
now. 

Major. And her son is at the camp? 

Serepty. Yes, of course he is. Just where every honest 
American boy should be. But whatever's happened to Mol- 
lie goodness only knows. She went out there last night to 
tell her boy that his wife had been injured and we haven't 
seen her since. 

Major. That explains everything. {Goes to door at R.) 
She's coming now. I told the men to bring her here. 

Serepty. Told the men to bring her? 

Clingie. Oh, she's been killed and they're a bringing 
her body here. Oh, sorrowful, sorrowful day ! 



MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 63 

Enter Tim and Redd R., leading in Mrs. T., her shazd 
dragging and her bonnet over one eye. 

Clingie. Oh, Mollie Tubbs, what you been a doing? 

Serepty. Mollie, where have you been? 

Mrs. T. I've been arrested. 

Clingie. Arrested? Oh, sorrowful day ! 

Mrs. T. I've been a soldier on sentry duty marching up 
and down in front of the tents at midnight. 

Clingie. Her sorrow's afifected her brain. She ain't 
right. 

Mrs. T. And I spent the night in the guard-house. 

Major. But it was all a mistake, Mollie. I'm afraid I've 
made a mistake. 

Mrs. T. MolHe? 

Major. Don't you remember me? Don't you remember 
John Pepper? 

Mrs. T. Are you John Pepper? 

Major. Yes, Mollie. 

Mrs. T. Well, of all things ! I'll bet if I'd a known last 
night that you were John Pepper I'd never let you put me 
in the guard-house. 

Major. And if I'd have known that you were little Mol- 
lie Walters I'm sure there would have been no occasion for 
it. Boys, you may go. I'll be responsible for the prisoner. 
Tim and Redd salute Major and exeunt at R. 

Clingie. Prisoner? Oh, Mollie, what have you gone and 
went and done? 

Mrs. T. I took Jameses place last night, that's all. His 
wife was injured in the hospital. She needed him, so I told 
him to go. Have you had any news from the hospital this 
morning. Aunt Serepty? 

Serepty. Mrs. Hickey says she's improving. 

Mrs. T. Sit down, John. Seems like we might have a 
real nice chat. I haven't seen you for nearly twenty years. 

Clingie. I'll just run over to Mis' Hickey's and bring 
the children home. We sent 'em over there for breakfast. 

Serepty. And I'll go with you. Mollie and John don't 
want no outsiders, I know. 



64 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

Mrs. T. Why, Aunt Serepty, we do, too. 

Serepty. I reckon I know the old saying that two is 
company and four is a whole Salvation Army. Come along, 
Clingie. (Exits at R.) 

Clingie (giggles). He's awful handsome, Mollie. And 
a soldier gentleman, too. Ain't it romantical. (Exits R.) 

Major. Can you ever forgive me for my foolish mistake 
last night? Of course your son shouldn't have left his post 
though — 

Mrs. T. Why not? His wife was dying — 

Major. But even then — 

Mrs. T. And I took his place. (Seated on sofa at L., 
with Major.) 

Major. You did, indeed. You're a wonderful woman, 
Mollie. 

Mrs. T. I want you to meet James. Maybe you and he 
will be in the trenches together. 

Major. I'd like to meet him. Mrs. McDougal tells me 
that you've been a widow for some time, Mollie. 

Mrs. T. Yes, John. 

Major. I've never married. 

Mrs. T. Why not— 

Major. Because I never could forget a certain little, 
obstinate, curly-haired girl who threw me down and married 
Mr. Tubbs instead. 

Mrs. T. (rises). I think I'd better see what become of 
my children, John. 

Major (draiving her hack to sofa beside him). Now, 

Mollie, things have gone well with me, in a certain sense, 

but every man's life is a failure without a woman's guiding 

hand and — „ , ^ r t, 

Enter Scuffles froin R. 

Scuffles (runs to Mrs. T. and hugs her). Oh, maw, 
I'm so glad you come home. I thought you got lost in the 
shufifle. And I was awful blue 'cause I'd been such a bad 
boy ; but I'm going to be good from now on. Honest, I am. 

Mrs. T. John, this is Scuffles. Scuffles, shake hands 
with the Major. 



MRS. TUBBS DOES HER BIT 65 

Major (sJiakcs hands with him). Do you remember 
when you were just about that age, Mohie? 

Mrs. T, Indeed I do. Now, Scuffles, go in and put on 
your tie. You've forgotten your necktie. 

Scuffles. All right. I dressed in a hurry this morning'. 
And a necktie is just a kind of a little thing, after all. 

Mrs. T. It's the little things in life that count, Scuffles. 
The little things. Why you might have a di'mond ring on 
your finger and a gold watch in your pocket, but if you only 
got one suspender button, and that busts, then where are 
you? 

Major {laughs). Just the same old Mollie. 

Scuffles. I'll put on me tie. {Exits L.) 

Mrs. T. You must stay to dinner, John. I had intended 
to move out to the country today with Aunt Serepty, but I 
can't go until Elsie's out of danger. ' 

Enter Clingie, foUozvcd by Queenie, Billy and Punky, 
from R. 

Clingie. James is over at ' Mis' Hickey's. And Elsie 
ain't going to die after all. 

Mrs. T. That's welcome news. Now, you'll forgive him, 
won't you, John? Why his being there with the little wife 
probably saved her life. Queenie, shake hands with Major 
Pepper. John, this is the rest of the family. {They shake 
hands.) 

Enter James, Serepty and Mrs. H., from R. 

James. Mother, she's better. They give me all the hope 
in the world. She's going to get well. {Sees Major.) 
Major! {Salutes.) 

Mrs. T. Shake hands with him, James. Major, this is 
my boy ! 

James. I'm proud to meet you, sir. 

Major. And I'm glad to hear that your wife is not seri- 
ously injured. 

Mrs. T. What you did last night, son, was all right. But 
hereafter your country comes first. {Takes fiag from table.) 
See that flag, James? {Points to one of the stars.) That 



66 MRS. TUBES DOES HER BIT 

there little star stands for J^■Iissouri, and that's your star, 
'cause you're a part of Alissouri, so it's your flag and your 
country ! Her welfare is your welfare, her fight is your 
fight, and her honor is your honor. 

Major (at L.). Well spoken, ]\Iollie. 

Clingie (at rear with cJiildrcn). Jest like a novel book. 
Ain't it romantical? 

AIrs. T. (at C). I've learned a lot since my boy enlisted 
for the war. I've learned to love all the boys. I'm proud 
of 'Uncle Sam's soldiers. Hand to hand, foot to foot, 
shoulder to shoulder, they march. The rich and the poor, 
the high and the low, the college man and the day laborer, 
the millionaire and the tramp, the white and the black, with 
one idea in their minds, one purpose in their hearts, one 
voice in their ears, a, voice that says (oratorically) "Carry 
on, and on and on, forward for God and home and the star- 
spangled banner!" I love 'em all, every soldier of Uncle 
Sam. 

Major. How about the officers, IMollie ? 

Mrs. T. I'll tell you that when we get a little better ac- 
quainted, John. 

Major. I've been waiting for twenty years and over to 
hear you say it. I reckon I can wait a little longer. 

Enter Scuffles from R. wearing large red tie. 

Scuffles. I got it on. 

Clingie (grabs Jiini and pulls him azvay from Major 
and Mrs. T.). Don't you interrupt 'em. They're getting 
real romantical. 

Scuffles. They ain't neither. (Scowls.) IMaw ain't go- 
ing to get that way at all. I hate getting romantical wor- 
ser'n poison. 

Mrs. T. (at C). Scuffles, quit scowlin'. And quit lookin' 
like a undertaker. Elsie's getting better and she's going to 
get well, James is a boy in a million, the sun is shining and 
the birds are singing. So everybody look pleasant and 
smile, smile, smile! 

Slow Curtain. 



The Call o£ the Colors 

By LINDSEY BARBEE 

Price, 25 Cents 

A patriotic play in 2 acts; 4 males, 10 females. Time, 1% 
hours. Scenes: 2 interiors, easily arranged. In act one a Red 
Cross gauze room is shown. A true-to-life picture; the awkward 
worker reprimanded for going a sixteenth of an incli too far; 
the suspicion of sf)ies in tlie room; tlie girls' opinion of slackers; 
tlieir hero. Sergeant Hilton, back from "over tliere"; his mys- 
terious little black booli and the joy when Harrison dons the 
khaki. Tense interest, lightened by comedy. In act two tlie scene 
is transported to a French chateau near the firing line. A plucky 
girl unmasks a spy and saves a repository of ammunition from 
bombardment. Military enthusiasm, mysterious intrigue and a 
war-time love story — truly a combination symbolic of the days 
in which we live. A French peasant 'girl, an excellent part. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act. T. — The Red Cross gauze room has various visitors. Ser- 
geant Hilton proves the chief topic of conversation and the strange 
Miss Smith is cordially welcomed. Harrison Ray is declared a 
slacker — and Sergeant Hilton's little blaclt book causes much spec- 
ulation. Miriain malves an announcement; Harrison offers an ex- 
planation — and the boys go marching by! 

Act II. — Sergeant Hilton renews his acquaintance with Miriam 
and learns of tlie ammunition liidden in the village. The Germans 
arrive. The Sergeant loses his little black book — and Vilette brings 
news of the enemy. Miss Smith finds the book and sends a mes- 
sage. By means of the secret telephone, Cecile communicates 
with the other chateau — and the firing begins. Sergeant Hilton 
returns — in another role; a bugle sounds and the Stars and Stripes 
go floating by. The Sergeant, taken unawares, faces a revolver. 
Harrison Ray tells his story; the mystery is solved and the day 
is saved ! 



Lottie Sees It Through 

By RAGNA B. ESKIL 

Price, 15 Cents 

Patriotic playlet; 3 m'ales. 4 females. Time, 35 minutes. Scene: 
A scantily furnished living room. This timely play should induce 
any community to give liberally. Written for the Red Cross, 
but with the change of a few words it will plead for the Liberty 
Loan, the Y. M. C. A. fund or any other cause as worthy. Its 
action is based on the elemental question — can one refuse to 
give to his country and yet be at ease with his conscience? Styi 
it is not a somber or dreary play— it has its light touches. _ It 
stirs the heart and its climax will arouse a fervor of patriotism 
only comparable to a religious revival. If unable to produce this 
play, get someone to read it as it cannot lielp but stimulate action. 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Safety First 



By SHELDON PARMER 
Price, 25 Cents 

Farce-comedy, in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. Time, 21/4 houro. 
Scenes: A parlor and a garden, easily arranged. A sprightly 
farce full of action and with a unique plot teeming with unex- 
pected turns and twists tliat will malie the audience wonder "what 
on earth is coming next." Behind the fun and movement lurks 
a great moral: Always tell the truth to your wife. The cast 
includes tliree young men, a funny policeman* a terrible Turk, 
two young ladies, a society matron, a Turkisli maiden and Mary 
O'Finnigan, the Irish cook. Tlie antics of the terror-stricken 
liusband, the policeman, the dude and tlie Irisli cook start tlie 
audience smiling at S;15 and send tliem home with aching sides 
from the tornado of fun at 10:40. Suitable for performance any- 
where, but recommended for lodges, clubs and schools. Not a 
coarse or suggestive line jn the play. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Jack's lil suburban home. A misplaced husband. "He 
kissed me good-bye at eighteen minutes after seven last night, 
and I haven't laid eyes on liim since." The Irisli maid is full 
of sympathy but she imagines a crime has been committed. 
Elmer, tlie college boy. drops in. And the terrible Turli drops 
out. "Sure the boss has eloped wid a Turlvey!" Jerry and Jack 
come home after a horrible night. Explanations. "We joined tlie 
Shriners, I'm the Exalted Imported Woggle and Jack is the Ba- 
zook!" A detective on the trail. "Warrants for John Doe, Richard 
Roe and Mary Moe. "We're on our way to Florida!" 

Act II. — A month later. Jack and Jerry reported drowned at 
sea. The Terrible Turk looking for Zuleika. The return of the 
prodigals. Ghosts! Some tall explanations are in order. "I never 
was drowned in all my life, was I, Jerry?" "We were lashed to 
a mast and we floated and floated and floated!" A couple of 
heroes. The Terrible Turk hunting for Jack and Jerry. "A Turk 
never injures an insane man." Jack feigns insanity. "We are 
leaving this roof forever!" The end of a perfect day. 

Act III.' — Mrs. Bridger's garden. Elmer and Zuleika start on 
their honeymoon. Mabel forgives Jack, but her mamma does not. 
They decide to elope. Jeriy's scheme works. Tlie two McNutts. 
"Me middle name is George Washington, and I cannot tell a 
lie." The detective falls in the well. "It's his ghost!" Jack and 
Jerry preparing for the elopement. Mary Ann appears at the 
top of the ladder. A .slight mistake. "It's a burglar, mum, I've 
got him!" The Terrible "Turk finds his Zuleilca. Happiness at last. 

Foiled, By Heck! 

By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

Price, 25 Cents 

A truly rural drama, in 1 scene and several dastardly acts; 
S males, 3 females. Time, 35 minutes. Scene: The mortgaged 
home of the homespun drama, between sunup and sundown. 
Characters: Reuben, a nearly self-made man. His wife, who 
did the rest. Their perfectly lovely daughter. Clarence, a rustic 
hero, by ginger! Olivia, tlie plaything of fate, poor girl. Sj'l- 
vester, with a viper's heart. Curses! Curses! Already he has 
the papers. A screaming travesty on the old-tini^"b'gosh" drama. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



M. F, 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, I'X hrs 

(25c) 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 Iir...(25c) 17 

Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 lirs. 8 3 

FARCES. COMEdlETAS. Etc. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min 3 5 

Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 

Divided Attentions, 35 min 1 4 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 
Great Medical Dispensary, 30 ni. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 1 2 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 3 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Editor In? 20 min... 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 

Not a, Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Second Childhood, 15 min 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min 2 2 

Sing_ a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, IS m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min. . 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 I 



- M. r. 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES. ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 

Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. I 1 

Cold Finish, IS min 2 1 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 

Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min ". 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 

Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 

Good Momin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 

Her Hero, 20 min. 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

Home Run, 15 min 1 1 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

Memphis Mose,. 25 min 5 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min . . 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 

Pete Yansen's Curl's Moder, 10m. 

Pickles for Two, IS min 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 

Si and I, IS min 

Special Sale, 1 5 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 I 

Sunny Son of Italy, IS min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 

Troubled by Gkosts, 10 min... 4 

Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 

Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 

Umbrella Mender, IS min.... 2 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 

What Happened to Hannah, 15m. 1 1 



A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denlson's Catalogue 



1 
2 
1 1 

1 1 

6 2 
2 
4 
2 
1 
2 

2 2 
6 

4 2 
1 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publisbers.154W. Randolph St., Chicago 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT 

Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 30 cents each 



015 907 652 

BOOKS 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 
A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven j'ears of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 00,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOI OGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 



Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu-. 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 25c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on pfays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades,, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

ISIonologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,vi9 the Ha-Ha Route. 

■ A merry ti;ip ^f or fun tourists.' 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Cataloeue Free 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154W. Randolph St.. Chicago 



